


forgive me darling, for every word i say (my heart is just too full of you)

by majesdane



Category: Sucker Punch (2011)
Genre: F/F
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-08-09
Updated: 2011-08-09
Packaged: 2017-12-06 07:28:31
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 5
Words: 33,480
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/733003
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/majesdane/pseuds/majesdane
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>50s!High School!AU. | <i>Rocket couldn't remember the last time Lennox Academy had gotten a new student.</i></p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Written for [this](http://realasanything.livejournal.com/483.html?thread=264675#t264675) prompt.

  
i realized at that moment that i really did love her. because there was nothing to gain, and that didn't matter.

\-- _the perks of being a wallflower_ , stephen chbosky   


 

  
**PART ONE ❧ FALL**

** ROCKET **

Rocket was the first to see her.

She couldn't remember the last time Lennox Academy had gotten a new student, as most girls here had started in the elementary school and just worked their way up through to the high school building. The last new girl to arrive at Lennox had been Amber, and she'd transferred years and years ago -- well, no, Rocket was sure there'd been some other girls after them, but Amber was the only one that Rocket could remember. And anyway, none of them had ever transferred in the middle of the semester, which was unusual in and of itself.

This new girl had hair that was a startling color of white gold, and it was that which caught Rocket's attention in the first place; she'd never seen hair that color. As she'd watched the girl make her way across the green and sit down on one of the worn wooden benches in the courtyard in front of the high school's entrance. Rocket half-wanted to go to her, strange as it was; she felt as though maybe she should.

But then Sweet Pea looked up from her book, as if on cue. "What?"

"Look, a new girl," Rocket said, nodding in the girl's direction. "I think she just transferred here."

"That's interesting." Sweet Pea turned back to her book.

Rocket frowned, her eyes settling back on the new girl, a hundred yards or so away. "Don't you want to meet her?"

"We'll meet her soon enough. And class starts in five minutes; if you're late again, you'll get in trouble and then you'll have to run sprints in practice."

"I don't mind." Rocket shrugged. "And anyway," she continued after a moment, as she watched a tall man with dark hair snake his way through the cars in the parking lot, making his way over to where the new girl was sitting. "Anyway, don't you think someone should go over to make sure Blue doesn't bother her? You know how he can be."

Sweet Pea shrugged, turned a page. "He won't try anything when we're on school grounds, and besides, it's better she deal with him now instead of later."

Rocket stood up, grabbing her school satchel from the bench. "Well, I'm going over," she declared.

It only took a dozen or so of long, hurried strides until she was over at the courtyard. She intercepted Blue just as he was climbing up the front steps, grinning, hands shoved into his pockets. The new girl stood up as Rocket put her hands on her hips and leveled Blue with what she hoped was a discouraging enough glare.

"Leave her alone, Blue," she said. "She doesn't want anything you're offering."

Blue feigned surprise. "What, this little Babydoll?" he asked, gesturing behind Rocket towards the blond. "How do you know? It's always the sweet, quiet ones, you know, who're the most wild. Maybe this girl's just dying for a good time."

He stepped in a bit closer to Rocket. She could smell his hair gel and the thick, musky scent of too much cologne; she could already feel herself getting a headache from it. She tightened her grip on her school satchel, prepared to hold her ground. Some of the girls at Lennox were scared of Blue, the way he always sat in the parking lot, leering at girls who walked past him. He didn't scare Rocket though, who saw him as more of a nuisance than anything else, and he knew better than to try anything with her. The last (and only) time he had, Sweet Pea, who was almost as tall as Blue and probably just as strong, had jumped forward and socked him right in the nose.

There'd been a tiny spray of blood as Sweet Pea's fist had connected with Blue's face and even after several washes, there were still faded orange spots on the front of Rocket's school uniform. She liked having them there; looking at them filled her with such a strange, inexplicable rush of glee.

As usual, Blue had a cigarette dangling from his mouth. He always seemed to be smoking, as he leaned against his car and grinned at the girls he tried to sweet-talk into buying whatever he was selling this week. Most girls at Lennox knew enough to keep away, but there were enough that _didn't_ , enough that wanted to fly sky high on the weekends, to keep him coming back.

"If you don't leave us alone right now, I'm going to go straight to Gorski and tell her you've been harassing us."

Blue scowled at her. "You wouldn't."

"Oh, I think she's just dying to have good reason to call the police on you," Rocket said breezily, slinging her bag over her shoulder and turning as if to leave.

"Alright, alright," Blue acquiesced, taking a step back and shoving his hands into his pockets. "This is what I get for trying to help you girls out, help you have some fun. This is what I get."

"Don't worry about him," Rocket told the new girl, turning around and taking a few steps forward, as Blue stormed back towards his sleek in a huff. "He won't bother you unless you let him -- which I don't. He talks big, but, well, he wouldn't dare try anything serious lest he got the cops called on him. He doesn't want to lose one of his best dealing spots."

The girl smiled nervously. "Good to know."

"So, you're new, aren't you?" The girl nodded. "I thought so. What's your name?"

"Marie," the girl said, sticking her hand out awkwardly towards Rocket. "Nice to meet you."

"Anna," Rocket said, shaking her hand. "But you can call me Rocket -- everyone else does."

The girl gave her a curious look.

"It's a sort of -- well, you just met Blue," Rocket said, glancing over to where Blue was sitting on the hood of his car, smoking a cigarette and looking sulky. "He likes to give all the girls nicknames, you see. I'm Rocket, and my sister over there, she's called Sweet Pea. It's sort of annoying, but, you know. In a way it's sort of fun, too. The names have a way of sticking to you. So I guess -- I guess your nickname is Babydoll now."

Babydoll blinked. "Oh. _Oh_ , right."

Rocket grinned at her. "I like it," she said, looking Babydoll up and down once more. "I think it suits you."

 

 

 

\- - -

 

** BABYDOLL **

She'd woken up this morning with a sense of dread. She'd felt it even as she'd dressed for school, tugging on the blue-gray and creme colored school uniform and tying up the kerchief underneath the sailor collar. The cotton, knee-length stockings had itched as she'd eaten breakfast silently in the kitchen and as she'd brushed her teeth in the bathroom in the light of the morning sun.

That sense of dread had carried on throughout the entire walk to Lennox Academy, past all the houses with their white picket fences and perfectly trimmed lawns. In reality, the school was only a few blocks away, but it felt like miles and miles to Babydoll. She hadn't wanted switch schools -- had wanted to move even less, and had wanted her mother to remarry least of all -- but there wasn't anything she could do about it now. What was done was done; she was only hoping now that she could get through the experience unscathed.

When Blue had approached her, slipping his way around the cars and coming towards her like a snake in the grass, she'd felt that sense of dread creep up from her stomach and settle as a hard lump in her throat. She'd thought then that it was all going to be downhill from there on out, but then Rocket had stepped in and everything that completely changed.

"No one should have to deal with Blue alone," Rocket'd told her as Babydoll had blushingly thanked her for the intervention. "Especially not on their first day at Lennox."

Luckily, too, she and Rocket shared the same lunch period. Babydoll had felt a palpable sense of relief at that, because then at least she'd have someone to sit with. Not that she would have minded sitting on her own, if it had come to that, but this just made things that much either.

Unfortunately, however, Blondie shared their lunch period with them as well. She'd eyed Babydoll suspiciously as she and Rocket had sat down at the table, Rocket with a cheerful _hello_.

"Blondie, this is Babydoll," Rocket said, introducing Babydoll with a small flourish. "She just moved here from Burlington; it's her first day at Lennox."

"Congratulations," Blondie drawled, looking patently bored.

"Hello," Babydoll said. "Nice to meet you."

Blondie ignored her, picking at the skin of the orange she held between her hands, slowly peeling it. Babydoll looked over at Rocket who gave a slight shrug, as if to say, _well, that's just how she is_. Babydoll reached into her school satchel for her own lunch, a sad, limp roast beef sandwich. She unwrapped it slowly as Rocket cleared her throat and began telling Blondie about Babydoll's encounter with Blue this morning.

"Oh, so that's Blue's nickname," Blondie said, turning to look at Babydoll. "I thought it was something like that."

"I like it," Rocket offered, smiling at Babydoll. "I think it suits her, don't you Blondie?"

"Oh yes," Blondie said, in a dismissive tone. And then, looking up towards the cafeteria doors, "Ugh, why's your sister here, Rocket?"

Rocket and Babydoll turned to follow Blondie's gaze. "I don't know," Rocket said. "Amber's with her; maybe they got out of class early."

"Hi," the taller of the two girls said, as they stopped at the table Babydoll, Rocket, and Blondie were sitting at. Babydoll knew instantly she was Rocket's older sister; they both had the same soft, honey-colored hair, though Sweet Pea's was much longer than Rocket's cropped cut.

Rocket grinned. "Hey. Babydoll," she said, pointing, "this is my sister, Sweet Pea. And that's Amber," she continued, pointing past Sweet Pea to a tall girl with olive skin and dark auburn hair. She met Babydoll's eyes, offered a small smile. Rocket twirled her spoon. "So what are you two doing here?"

"Had an exam today in our English Lit class; Amber and I both finished early."

Blondie snorted. "Well, _that's_ a surprise."

"I'm sorry," Sweet Pea said, narrowing her eyes at Blondie. "Did you have something to say?"

"No," Blondie said, leaning back in her chair. If she'd been aiming for nonchalance, she only made it halfway there; there was an edge to her voice that made Babydoll a bit uncomfortable. "But if you two are planning on joining us, then I think I'll just leave now."

"Blondie," Amber started, almost like a sigh, but Sweet Pea cut in, frowning.

"It's fine," she told Rocket, not even looking at Blondie. "We'll sit somewhere else."

Once they were gone, Rocket rolled her eyes, uncapping her thermos and starting in on her lunch. "What's your problem with her anyway," she asked Blondie through a mouthful of soup. "Have you even ever _talked_ to Amber? She's not so bad. A bit like my sister, but -- "

"She just annoys me," Blondie shrugged, picking some more at her orange. "And she's a nerd."

"Well, we can't all share your enthusiasm for schoolwork," Rocket jabbed Blondie's forearm playfully with her spoon. "Or should I say, lack of."

Babydoll said, "She seems nice."

Blondie laughed; it was a mean laugh and it made Babydoll's stomach work itself up into little anxious knots. "Well, _you_ can be friends with her, if you like."

Babydoll stared down at her sandwich and stayed silent for the rest of the lunch period.

She listened to Rocket and Blondie trade gossip about girls she didn't know, girls from Rocket's soccer team and girls that Blondie and Rocket knew from other classes. Babydoll chewed her sandwich and listened half-heartedly to the exchange, thinking about some unknown point in the future when she'd be able to join in on the discussion. Admittedly, Blondie scared her a little bit and Babydoll wasn't so keen on wanting to get to know her better. But Rocket -- well, she was another case altogether.

Rocket had stepped in and saved her from Blue. She'd offered her hand for introductions, smiling gently. Her hand had been warm and smooth in Babydoll's own. She'd listened the whole morning as Rocket had excitedly talked to about the ins and outs of Lennox Academy, more than pleased that she'd found a friend so quickly. She'd assumed she was going to spend the whole of junior year as an awkward outsider, never quite fitting in. Babydoll wasn't entirely sure why Rocket had seemingly taken such an interest in her, but she was grateful for it.

Of course, it was still going to take some getting used to, but --

"Oh, there's the bell," Rocket said, tucking her thermos back into her school bag. "Babydoll, you've got French class next, right? I've got English class, it's right across the hall; I'll walk you there." She stood up, nodding at Blondie. Babydoll followed her out into the hall, where girls were beginning to pile out in the hallway.

There was an odd sort of warmth that washed over Rocket reached over and took Babydoll's hand, intertwining their fingers. Babydoll smiled up at Rocket, who gave Babydoll's hand a squeeze and grinned back. As Rocket led the way down the hall to their respective classes, Babydoll couldn't think about the strange fluttering of her heart. It was as if she'd just run a marathon.

It was only later, of course, when she realized that it was not so different from the way she'd felt when boys had held her hand before.

 

 

 

\- - -

 

** AMBER **

Blondie was what Amber's parents called the _wrong_ kind of girl -- wrong, in this case, meaning the kind they had tried to keep Amber away from by sending her to Lennox Academy instead of Brattleboro's local public high school. Amber was pretty sure her parents would have a fit just knowing Amber went to school with Blondie, let alone anything else.

Blondie was reckless. Outspoken. She always laughed a little too loudly. She skipped school and snuck cigarettes in the girl's bathroom in-between classes and wore her skirt much too high. She was always getting sent to detention. She was wild. She was from the wrong side of the tracks. She was, quite simply, everything that Amber was not.

It was, probably, the reason that Amber loved her so much.

"We'll get caught," Amber told her, as Blondie pulled her into an empty stall in the girl's locker room, giggling. She kissed Amber with a grin, tasting of bubblegum and smoke, smelling faintly of lilac perfume.

"No we won't," Blondie said. It was hard to argue with Blondie at times like these, when she was kissing Amber in the sweet, lazy, open-mouthed way that she liked best, her arms around Amber's neck. "Come on, don't be a scaredy cat."

Amber rolled her eyes. "I'm not, but, you know. We shouldn't do this here at school. And we should be in the gymnasium with everyone else; it'll look suspicious if we're both not there."

"Don't worry," Blondie sighed, kissing the side of Amber's mouth. "They won't find out about us." She kissed Amber one final time, before pulling away and flashing Amber a lopsided smile. "I'm going to cut out for the rest of the day. See you later?"

"Of course," Amber said, following Blondie out the stall.

She watched Blondie fix her smudged makeup in the mirror, knowing she'd have to clean up herself too before going to class. She felt a tiny spark of desire pool low in her stomach as Blondie caught her eye in the mirror and winked slowly, licking her lips. Amber really wanted to kiss Blondie again, but Blondie's makeup was fixed now and Amber was already fifteen minutes late for gym class.

It was the not being able to have something, Amber thought, that made her want it that much more. As she watched Blondie saunter out of the bathroom with a swing of her hip that made Amber go a little weak at the knees. She splashed her face with cold water, leaned against the rim of the sink and stared at her reflection in the mirror.

Seventeen minutes late now. She considered chasing after Blondie and then quickly thought the better of it, instead heading off to the gymnasium to join her classmates.

 

 

 

\- - -

 

** ROCKET **

"The new girl's really nice," Rocket told Sweet Pea as they walked to study hall, the one class they shared together. "She moved down from Burlington, did you know? Her mother remarried. It's too bad that she had to transfer in October; it must be awful to have to start at a new school at mid-semester."

Sweet Pea made a small sound of agreement. "Were you late for first period this morning?"

"Only five minutes," Rocket said. "But Babydoll -- "

"Who?"

"The new girl. That's Blue's nickname for her. Anyway, it turned out we actually had first period together, so I didn't get into any trouble. I just said I was helping Babydoll to find her way around."

"Good."

Sitting down at opposite desks, Rocket watched Sweet Pea dip into her school satchel and start pulling out her Calculus book, notebook, and pen. Sweet Pea was always the more studious of them; Rocket usually spent the majority of her study halls doodling in her notebook or gazing wistfully out the window and wishing the day would be over already. It wasn't as if she was a bad student, she just didn't like to do the work; in the end she always managed to scrape by with an appropriate enough grade, something with irritated Sweet Pea to no end but kept their parents satisfied.

Sweet Pea opened her books and began working on whatever problem set she'd been assigned for homework that evening. Rocket listened to the rustle of pages as Sweet Pea flicked back and forth through her notes, pausing every now and then to scribble something down. The unusual warmth of the October day was making Rocket drowsy; she propped her chin up on her hand and pretended to read through her latest History assignment.

Her mind slowly drifted back to Babydoll.

As it turned out, they shared their first, second, and fourth period classes together, something Rocket was more than pleased to find out. They'd spent their time walking between classes talking; Babydoll had told Rocket about moving, about their mother remarrying, and her little sister. Likewise, Rocket had told Babydoll about her own family, how Sweet Pea's mother had remarried shortly after Sweet Pea had been born, how they'd been at Lennox since kindergarten, how they were co-captains of Lennox's soccer club. They were considered the best of their private school intramural league, Rocket had told Babydoll with pride.

"It's funny, though," Rocket had said, as they'd stopped at Rocket's locker for a moment, Rocket leaning over to dial in the combination and pop the lock. "Sweet Pea didn't even want to be on the team. But when I joined the team in seventh grade -- first year you could start -- Sweet Pea did too. I never really got why she did it, but now she's even better than I am, truth be told."

She'd laughed and Babydoll had laughed too, maybe because she was trying to be polite or maybe because she actually thought it was funny. Either way, hearing Babydoll's laugh, all silvery and light, had made Rocket's heart skip a beat. She'd decided then that it was perhaps one of the sweetest things she'd ever heard.

"She takes it so much more seriously than I do, too. But that's Sweet Pea," Rocket'd sighed, shrugging her shoulders. "When she sets her mind on something -- well, she gets it done."

"That sounds very admirable," Babydoll said.

"Oh, it is. Just not so much when it's your sister, you know?"

Babydoll nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, I guess."

Rocket couldn't help but feel the tiniest bit of butterflies when, after third period, Babydoll smiled at her and said that she'd see her later. It was such a strange feeling, all excitement bubbling under the surface. She told herself it was because Sweet Pea was graduating Lennox Academy come June; there wasn't anyone else at school that Rocket was close to aside from Sweet Pea. And anyway, that didn't count, because they were sisters. Closeness was sort of a requirement, she felt.

With Babydoll, things were going to be different. She could just tell.

 

 

 

\- - -

 

** SWEET PEA **

Babydoll was standing by Sweet Pea's locker.

Apparently she'd been assigned a locker right next next to Sweet Pea's, and she was pulling some books out of her school bag and piling them into her locker as Sweet Pea approached. It was the first time Sweet Pea had gotten a good look at her, pale blonde hair done into two pigtails that fell like a double shock of lightning against the dark navy of their school's uniform blazer. Pale skin, pink lips.

She was beautiful, Sweet Pea thought. It startled her.

"Oh, hello," the girl said, looking up at her. A sign of recognition flashed through her eyes. "You're Rocket's older sister, aren't you? Sweet Pea."

"That is my name," Sweet Pea said, shifting her books from one arm to the other. She didn't want to be standing here in the middle of the hallway, the sound of laughter and lockers being slammed reverberating off the linoleum and tiled walls. Sweet Pea's class was all the way at the other end of the hall; she didn't want to be late. "I've got to go," she said.

"Right, sorry," Babydoll said, touching Sweet Pea's wrist.

Something strange happened then; her insides, it felt like they'd gotten all twisted up, like string caught in a fan.

The feeling washed over her like a wave, and for a moment, she really did think she was drowning, the way her lungs were so filled up and yet she couldn't seem to breathe at all. She didn't know if she'd ever felt that way before now and it scared her, a little, like the time when she and Rocket were younger and used to climb on trees. It felt like that, standing up on the highest branch, looking down at the world and feeling dizzy with the height and rush of excitement.

(It was absolutely terrifying.)

"If you're looking for Rocket this afternoon, she'll be on the intramural fields behind the gymnasium, at practice." She didn't know why she said it; she regretted it immediately afterward. She didn't want to have Babydoll anywhere near her, not when she made her feel the way she did, and if Babydoll and Rocket were friends, if Sweet Pea helped _encourage_ that friendship --

"Thanks," Babydoll said, taking a step back and glancing over Sweet Pea's shoulder down the hall. Then, "I'll let you get to class."

"Thanks," Sweet Pea muttered, brushing past her.

She felt on edge as she walked; her heart beat double-time in her chest and it still felt like her insides were twisted up into knots. It was a relief to finally be able to slip down into her seat in for English Literature class, determined to put Babydoll out of her mind, at least for a little while.

Amber sat down across from her a moment later with a small wave. "Rough night last night?" she asked, pulling out her copy _Twelfth Night_.

Sweet Pea started. "What?"

"Nothing, you just look a little frazzled, that's all." Amber said, opening her notebook.

Sweet Pea watched Amber write the date across the top of the page in swooping, navy letters. Amber had such nice penmanship, something Sweet Pea both admired and envied. Her own notebook was a messy mix of cursive, print, and something in-between. It was the one thing she wasn't good at, Rocket always teased; for some reason, it made Sweet Pea feel strangely insecure.

"I'm okay," Sweet Pea said, rubbing at her eyes and reaching down to pull her own notebook out of her bag. "Just a bit tired, I guess, what with practice and school and everything. We've got some important games coming up and I've been putting a lot of effort into getting ready for that."

Amber grinned, shaking her head. "You don't need to be perfect," she told Sweet Pea. "Just because you're co-captain, doesn't mean you aren't allowed to take a break once and a while."

"Says _you_. Miss Class President who's never gotten anything less than a perfect grade in her life."

At that, Amber flushed a bright red color and looked away, staring down at her notebook.

"I'm just kidding," Sweet Pea said gently. She put her hand on Amber's arm, giving it a light squeeze. "Come on, you're not still upset about that thing with Blondie the other day, are you? Because you know she just acts like that to try and big herself up; she puts up a tough front to look cool. You can't let it bother you."

"Oh, I don't," Amber said, completely unconvincingly. "I just -- well -- I'm not really that bad, am I?"

Sweet Pea hesitated. "Sometimes you can be a little, um, tightly wound. But you're just mature. I like that; it's a welcome change from the rest of the girls here, honestly. I'm glad that at least someone here at Lennox cares about being serious with their studies. The same can't be said for a lot of girls, my sister being one of them."

"She'll come around."

"Not if she keeps hanging out with Blondie, she won't." Sweet Pea frowned. As far as she was concerned, Blondie was a bad influence; she didn't like it that Blondie and Rocket were friends. Rocket was reckless enough as it was -- she didn't need the extra encouragement from Blondie, who had a reputation for being something of a troublemaker.

Amber looked back down at her notebook, cheeks flushing pink once again. "Blondie's not so bad," she said, more to her desk than to Sweet Pea. "I mean, you said it yourself: she puts on an act. It doesn't mean anything."

 

 

 

\- - -

 

** AMBER **

Amber wasn't exactly sure how they ended up like this.

She'd never loved a boy like she loved Blondie. She'd never even liked a boy, not really. There were boys she found handsome, of course, and she'd gone with them to dances when they asked and sometimes she'd gone on dates with them too, to the drive-in, to the park. But it had always felt wrong for some reason, as if it were more of something she had to do than something she'd actually _wanted_ to do. It all felt so fake.

(She was fine with it, really. She could just pretend to be fine. Normal. She didn't mind.)

But then everything had gotten so complicated with Blondie -- at first she'd just assumed it was some weird sort of displacement attraction, given that she was at an all-girl's school; she'd heard about girls sometimes getting too close and confusing their feelings of friendship for something more. Which made sense, she supposed, but her problem with Blondie was different: they weren't friends.

They'd never been friends, not even when they were little, even though they'd gone to school together since Amber's family had moved to Brattleboro when Amber was in the fourth grade. They were such polar opposites: Blondie was rough and playful like a boy, while Amber was demure and quiet. She strove to be the good girl that her parents had always wanted.

At most they'd exchanged a dozen words between them, but in sophomore year, everything seemed to change. Amber didn't know why, but one day she noticed just how high Blondie's skirt was hiked up and how smooth and soft the exposed skin of her thighs looked. One day she noticed that Blondie looked the prettiest when she had her hair down; Amber liked the way it fell around her shoulders and down her back in dark, slight waves.

And then there was the color of her eyes, too, a striking brown that reminded Amber of the old mahogany desk in her bedroom; sometimes she ran her fingertips over the worn surface and thought of Blondie. She hadn't known why; even now she wasn't sure. There was something about Blondie that intrigued Amber, that drew Amber to her. She hadn't felt it until that very first day.

It had been wholly unexpected when Blondie had kissed her.

Amber had been in the bathroom, standing at the sink washing her hands, when Blondie had come out of the last stall, a smouldering cigarette in her hand. Their eyes had met, in the mirror; Amber had been the first to look away.

"You know you're not supposed to do that. Smoke in school, I mean," she said, turning, wiping her hands dry on her skirt. "You could get in trouble if you get caught."

"Oh? And who's going to tell on me?"

If she'd been just a little more reckless, she probably would have kissed Blondie right then. There was something about the way Blondie's lips, painted a bright red color, twisted up into a grin; it did something to Amber's heart. It turned over slowly in her chest. There was an ache in her stomach, like a sort of longing.

"I won't tell," she said, because she didn't know what else to say.

It was so fast, so sudden; all it took was two strides, and Blondie was in front of her.

A couple centimeters more and her mouth was on Amber's. Later, Amber could only think about how easy it had all been: Blondie kissing her. Kissing Blondie back. Falling. She saw herself stepping off a precipice, not knowing what came next. She thought maybe it shouldn't have been so easy, so simple. But she'd spent so much time worrying about it, spent so many nights lying awake at night trying to make sense of it all, invested so much energy into acting like it was nothing, like it didn't mean a thing -- everything had been building up to this, all the fear and doubt and desire and confusion -- that suddenly, she just didn't care any more.

She'd pushed back into the kiss, one hand tentatively resting on Blondie's waist. It was ages, Amber thought, before they broke apart, panting quietly.

"How long now have you been wanting me to do that?" Blondie asked, and Amber had wanted to ask how Blondie could have possibly known, wanted to ask why Blondie had actually _kissed_ her, at school, in the girl's bathroom of all places, where anyone could catch them.

But instead Amber had just sighed and said, "Much too long," before pulling Blondie to her and kissing her again.

(She thought, perhaps, it was one of the few times she'd actually surprised Blondie.)

And of course, everything changed after that. They stole moments where they could: hiding together, exchanging silent kisses in the dusty archive section of the library long after school was over; sitting together in the bathrooms during class and taking in the welcomed, peaceful silence; sneaking into movie theatres to hold hands in the darkness of the back row.

It wasn't enough -- it never would be enough, Amber knew, never ever -- but it was all that they could have. She knew that they were wrong for more reasons than she could count, but still, she didn't want anything else, and so she dutifully paid the price of silence and secrecy. She didn't mind it, so much; she wondered sometimes if it was best this way.

She could imagine an entire lifetime of her and Blondie together, in the seconds that passed as their eyes met across the hall in-between class. It felt like lighting dancing across her skin, when, sitting together for a Chemistry lab, Blondie reached over and stroked her pinky finger lightly along Amber's wrist.

Surely, Amber thought, there couldn't be anything better. Thinking this washed away the doubts, the worry, the confusion. She tried not to let herself think of those sort of things, like the look on her parents' faces if they were to find out about Blondie or the whispers and laughs that would follow her around school. Those sort of thoughts made her sad and anxious and angry and she pushed them down as far as they would go. She would not allow herself to think and feel that way.

She knew it would ruin them, if she ever did.

"You're quiet today," Blondie said, bending her head down to press a kiss to Amber's shoulder. Amber could feel the warm of Blondie's breath through her blouse and it filled her with a sense of sleepy contentment. "Is something wrong?"

"Just thinking."

Blondie made a small sound of agreement and kissed Amber's shoulder again. "You know that new girl?" she asked after a moment. "Babydoll?"

Amber didn't really want to talk about the new girl or Blue or Rocket. She liked having all this time to themselves, without everyone else intruding. She wanted nothing more than to lie in the sun with Blondie in silence.

She wasn't looking to forward to winter, when they wouldn't be able to hide themselves away in the park; even now in early October the days were usually too cool to stay outside for long after the sun started to set. They only had a little bit of time left to enjoy the privacy and freedom the park afforded them and Amber wanted to make the most of it. Last weekend she'd met Blondie here and they'd braided the fire-colored leaves together to make each other lopsided crowns. She smiled at the thought, pushing herself up into a sitting position and resting her head on Blondie's shoulder.

"What about her?" she asked, because she didn't want her indifference to put Blondie in a sour mood and ruin the whole afternoon. Amber had hated the few times they'd fought, hated the way shouting and tears just seemed to undo all the good things that came before it.

Blondie shrugged. "I don't like her. She seems stuck up. And she's so . . . _timid_. It's off-putting."

Amber watched the fallen leaves floating on the still surface of the pond. "I'm sure she's nice," she said.

Blondie snorted. "She's best friends with Rocket now or something."

"I thought you liked Rocket."

"I do," Blondie kissed Amber's temple through her hair. "Yeah, she's okay. But you should see her, honestly," Blondie went on after a moment, chuckling. "This look that she gets in her eyes -- I think she has a crush on her or something."

Amber laughed. "Not everyone is like us, you know."

That seemed to put Blondie off for some reason; she fell silent and still.

There was a long pause and then finally Blondie untangled herself from Amber and pushed herself to her feet, pressing her hands down the front of her skirt to smooth out the wrinkles. Amber watched her rummage through her bag and pull out a mostly empty pack of Winstons and her Zippo. It was silver, with a black dragon carved into the metal; Amber liked to play with it when she sat around watching Blondie smoke, clicking it on and off, tracing her finger over the intricate design on the front. Blondie said that she'd gotten it from her grandfather during the war.

Amber liked to watch Blondie smoke. She liked the way Blondie's hand curled around the flame to shield it from the wind, the way her lips were pursed around the cigarette. She liked seeing Blondie exhale a thin stream of blue-ish smoke towards the sky, tilting her head back. Amber had spent a long time thinking about kissing her way down the slope of Blondie's neck, back before they'd had their chance encounter in the bathroom; she'd snuck glances when they'd stand around in the courtyard waiting for school to begin, watching Blondie from afar.

"So, you're going to be nice, right?" Amber asked after a while. Blondie didn't exactly have a reputation around school for being the friendliest.

Before, Amber wouldn't have cared -- well, that wasn't true. She would have cared, but it wouldn't have meant much to her. But things were different now, things had changed. Now she was desperate to keep Blondie out of trouble, for both their sakes. She was scared of the possibility of Blondie finally pushing too much and getting kicked out; she didn't know what would happen to _them_ then. But she couldn't say that, not to Blondie.

"I'm fine with her as long as she stays out of my way." Blondie said it with a bit of a pout and it melted Amber's heart a little bit, at the way Blondie was always trying so hard to put up a tough front. She knew different, though. She knew different.

"Come here," Amber murmured, standing up herself. She took hold of Blondie's scarf and pulled her in for a kiss.

Blondie grinned into the kiss; it made their mouths not quite fit together. That was how Amber saw them: not quite fitting together, but not-fitting together in the sweetest of ways. Lennox Academy's bad girl and the class president. They couldn't be anymore impossible if they tried. But, Amber thought, maybe that was what made them so perfect.

"I'll try to be good," Blondie said, standing up on tiptoe and wrapping her arms around Amber's neck. "But no promises."

"Well, I suppose that's all I can ask for," Amber said, and kissed her again.

 

 


	2. Chapter 2

** BABYDOLL **

  
  
Rocket was so very different from Sweet Pea; it amused Babydoll, the way the two girls weren't anything alike. Rocket was strong-willed and outgoing, always bright and full of energy, whereas Sweet Pea was quieter, more reserved. She rarely spoke to Babydoll, even though Babydoll being friends with Rocket meant they saw each other quite a lot, both in and out of school.   
  
One Friday afternoon when Rocket didn't have soccer practice, she invited Babydoll back to her house. She'd taken Babydoll on a shortcut they'd laughed and held hands as they'd trooped through the piles of leaves in neighboring backyards, kicking them up and watching them flutter to the ground like confetti. The late October air was crisp and full of the scent of burning leaves; Babydoll breathed it in and gripped Rocket's hand just a bit tighter. It was the first time Brattleboro felt like  _home_.   
  
As soon as Rocket unlocked the front door and they'd dropped their school satchels in the hallway, Rocket had dashed upstairs to the bathroom. Babydoll sighed and stretched her arms out over her head, slowly wandering down the hall and into the kitchen. Turning to look out the porch door, Babydoll spotted Sweet Pea sitting out in the veranda, just outside.   
  
Sweet Pea was sitting on a small, iron-wrought bench near the edge of the garden, a plaid, woolen blanket draped around her shoulders. She seemed to be fully engrossed in the book that she was reading, her brow furled in concentration, worrying her bottom lip with her teeth; it made her look younger than she was. Babydoll found herself smiling at that.   
  
She watched Sweet Pea for a few more moments before she moved forward, opening the kitchen door and looking out into the bright afternoon sunlight.   
  
"Are you always out here?" Babydoll asked, stepping tentatively out onto the veranda and leaning against the door frame.   
  
Sweet Pea looked up from her book. A strange expression flashed across her face for a moment, a mix of confusion, surprise, and something else that Babydoll didn't know. "Oh," Sweet Pea said. "You're here."   
  
Babydoll nodded.   
  
"Sorry. I just -- Rocket didn't say anything. I didn't know." A slight blush bloomed on her cheeks, the color of rosebuds. Babydoll watched her Sweet Pea toy with the edge of the page she was reading, dog-earing it. "And to answer your question," she said, finally looking up again and meeting Babydoll's eyes, "yes, I always am out here. It's nice. Quiet. A welcome break from the chaos that is Rocket."   
  
"She's certainly, um," Babydoll struggled to find the right word. "Perky."   
  
Sweet Pea snorted.   
  
"It's so strange. You're sisters and yet, you couldn't be more different if you tried."   
  
"We're not really sisters, you know," Sweet Pea told Babydoll. "I mean, we're half-sisters. Rocket was born after my mom remarried; it was a long time ago and I was very young. I don't really remember it. But sometimes I think that's why we're such polar opposites."   
  
"I like it," Babydoll said. "That you two are so different. You're a complementary pair."   
  
Sweet Pea laughed. "Oh, is that so?"   
  
Sweet Pea was prettiest when she smiled, Babydoll thought. Sweet Pea always seemed so serious, Babydoll couldn't even remember the last time she'd seen Sweet Pea smile -- and certainly Sweet Pea had never smiled because of  _her_  before. The thought sent a warm rush of happiness through Babydoll and she grinned back at Sweet Pea, feeling a little giddy.   
  
It was an inexplicable sort of giddiness. It was the feeling of Rocket's hand in hers. It was the moments in hot summer, a quiet, heavy calm just before a storm. So full of potential, something Babydoll couldn't quite pin down. She liked the elusiveness of a a feeling like that.   
  
"Hey," Rocket said, suddenly beside her, closing the kitchen door with a soft  _click_. "What's going on?"   
  
"Nothing," Babydoll said, folding her hands in front of her and glancing down and away from Sweet Pea, the moment gone, the feeling having slipped away, caught in the cool October breeze. Sweet Pea ducked once more behind her book. "Just saying hello."   
  
It felt a little like a lie; Babydoll wasn't quite sure why.   
  
  


\- - - 

 

** SWEET PEA **   


  
  
It wasn't so bad that Rocket had found a new best friend in Babydoll, really.   
  
The problem was that when she was around Babydoll, Sweet Pea could feel herself unraveling. She had stayed up half the night on the first day when she and Babydoll met, when Babydoll had touched Sweet Pea's wrist, an action so slight and meaningless, yet also so very important. Sweet Pea had tried to understand it, the strange mix of fear and joy that she'd felt at the touch of Babydoll's fingers against her skin, but it was riddle that Sweet Pea simply was unable to solve.   
  
During the school day she was able to avoid Babydoll for the most part. But soccer practice was another story altogether.   
  
She couldn't seem to focus at all these days, and she blamed her lack of concentration mostly on the presence of Babydoll, who always showed up just as the girls were doing their warm-up laps. Babydoll had spent the next hour and a half watching them practice, sitting on the bleachers by the field and waving and smiling at Rocket, who seemed to be more interested in her than running drills. It irritated Sweet Pea to no end, and she purposely knocked Rocket to the ground when they were scrimmaging.   
  
Rocket glared up at her, a streak of dirt across one pale cheek. "What the  _hell_."   
  
"Pay attention," Sweet Pea whispered furiously at Rocket, gritting her teeth. She grabbed Rocket by the front of her shirt and tugged her back onto her feet. "This isn't a joke."   
  
"You really need to relax," Rocket frowned at Sweet Pea, shoving her away. "This is supposed to be  _fun_ , remember?"   
  
But it wasn't  _fun_ , not when every practice ended with Rocket bounding off to go talk to Babydoll, who was, of course, always waiting by the bleachers.   
  
She wasn't an idiot. She knew, about Rocket.   
  
When Sweet Pea was in eighth grade, she'd walked in on Rocket kissing one of their mutual friends. Elizabeth Parker, who played on Lennox's intramural soccer team with them. She felt herself flush all over again, remembering it: she'd only caught a glimpse, because Rocket and Elizabeth had shot apart like they'd been burned the second Sweet Pea opened the door, but it had been enough. Enough to prove that it wasn't just practice, like Rocket hastily claimed, blushing, while Elizabeth sat in silence.   
  
Sweet Pea had cleared her throat and walked back out of the room, shutting the door with quiet purposefulness. All of them had pretended like it had never actually happened and the next year Elizabeth Parker transferred out of Lennox and enrolled in Brattleboro's public high school. Even now, neither Rocket or Sweet Pea had ever brought it up for discussion, as though there was a silent agreement that it was something they simply did  _not_  talk about it.   
  
And Sweet Pea noticed things, of course she did. It was hard not to, especially since the image of Rocket kissing a  _girl_  was ingrained so deeply in her memory. She saw the lingering looks Rocket gave some of the girls -- the pretty, popular ones who always brought a different boyfriend to the mixers Lennox hosted on the last Friday of every month -- and the way she didn't seem to be interested in boys at all.   
  
It was terribly obvious, Sweet Pea knew. Anyone could see it, anyone could tell. She wanted so badly to be able to say something to Rocket. To try and get her to understand that things just couldn't  _work_  like that, that the only sort of life a girl like like  _that_  -- Sweet Pea couldn't bear to say the word -- would have was one filled with sadness. Her little sister was going to lead such a sad life.   
  
But she couldn't say that kind of thing. The words died in her throat every time she opened her mouth, resolved to finally mention this unmentionable thing. It stood between them like a wall. There had grown a kind of distance between them, after that moment, as though Sweet Pea could never get close to Rocket again. She kept trying to reach out for her sister, but it was useless. Even if she  _could_  voice all the thoughts in her head, it wouldn't make any sort of difference. Rocket did what Rocket wanted to do. That was how things had always been. That was how they always  _would_  be; there was no changing them or her.   
  
The worst part, was, of course, the traitorous feelings that crept up, up from the twisted knots in Sweet Pea's stomach like ivy, until they wrapped themselves around her heart. Every time Babydoll looked at her, Sweet Pea felt the air get a little lighter; it made her dizzy. She didn't seem to be able to breathe.   
  
She put her mouth to her wrist and kissed the spot where Babydoll's fingers had brushed against it. Tried to recall the color of Babydoll's hair in the afternoon sunlight and weak fluorescent lighting. Seeing her was like falling. Easy. Like water going over a cliff. She tried not to think about Babydoll, but she couldn't help it. The image of her seemed to float to the front of her mind whenever she least expected it: in that last waking moment before sleep; sitting in class; standing outside in yard, rake in hand.   
  
It bothered her to no end. It seemed the harder Sweet Pea tried to forget Babydoll, the more she thought about her.   
  
Sweet Pea wasn't like her sister. She  _wasn't_.   
  
This was a fact that she knew with absolute certainty. Her own interest in boys was minimal, she knew, but she told herself it was because she'd always been busy with other things. School. Soccer. And Rocket, too; it seemed Sweet Pea always had to be on alert, just to make sure Rocket was okay. And really, she felt, a lack of interest didn't indicate no interest at all -- she tried very hard to remember her date for last year at Lennox's Sadie Hawkins dance. Tommy Winthrop. He'd put his hand on the small of her back when they slow danced and their eyes had met and she'd thought maybe she'd kiss him. It had felt like the right moment, but she hadn't done it. She'd blushed and ducked her head away.   
  
She hadn't know why at the time, why she'd been so uncertain -- or just unwilling? -- to do what every other girl seemed to have no problem doing. Kissing a boy, what was so difficult about that? But she'd known even then that there was something wrong with her and now --   
  
\-- No. She wasn't going to let herself think like that.   
  
There wasn't anything wrong with her, she told herself. She wasn't like Rocket, not at all. Maybe she'd never wanted to kiss a boy, but she'd never wanted to kiss a -- a  _girl_  either. Babydoll was just . . . Well, Sweet Pea wasn't sure what Babydoll was. Intriguing. Beautiful. Enchanting. Sweet Pea could understand how Rocket could be charmed by her.   
  
(But that was  _Rocket_.)   
  
Sweet Pea didn't know how Babydoll had managed to work her way into her head. She didn't want to stay up nights thinking about Babydoll, wanted even  _less_  to have to think about what those thoughts meant.   
  
They couldn't mean anything, she told herself. They couldn't possibly. Sweet Pea clung to that thought desperately.   
  
  


\- - - 

 

** BLONDIE **   


  
  
Blondie loved it, the little back and forth between herself and Amber.   
  
It was like a game, almost, the way they pretended to hate each other in public and then couldn't keep their hands off each other in private. Blondie was certain that it was keeping their little love affair a secret that made Amber's kisses that much sweeter, even though at times she wished that they could be more than just stolen glances and hurried kisses. Sometimes she didn't want to play their unspoken game at all, sometimes she just wanted to be able to sit together with Amber at school and not have to worry what people would think about them being together.   
  
They were a terrible match, she and Amber both knew it. They could never even be friends, not in public, could not even acknowledge each other outside of snide remarks and mean jokes. Everyone was watching them, Blondie knew. As much as she liked to tease Amber about being paranoid, she knew there was truth to the things Amber said. They could never,  _ever_  get found out; it was one thing for girls to get confused and get a little too attached.   
  
It was another thing altogether for it to actually  _mean_  something.   
  
More than anything Blondie wanted to be able to sit next to Amber in public. To smile at her. Laugh with her. She didn't think it's was much to ask for, just a little taste of happiness. But that sort of world was paradise, a place that wasn't real, a place unreachable. It was nice to wish for it, but always at the end of the day she had to ball her hands into fists, because she couldn't hold Amber's hand.   
  
If only, if only. The words weaved their way through Blondie's mind like a prayer. They wrapped themselves like vines around Blondie's heart. Often Blondie thought about them when she pressed the lightest of kisses to Amber's collarbone, the two of them hidden away in the bathroom during class.   
  
"Suzie," Amber would always murmur against Blondie's ear, sighing and stroking the exposed skin of Blondie's hip where her blouse had ridden up. "My Suzanne."   
  
Amber was the only one who called her that. Blondie liked the way her name rolled off Amber's tongue like a song, like something meant to be treasured; it made Blondie feel like a moth that had reached the moon.   
  
It was worth it to pretend, Blondie thought, even if it hurt.   
  
After all, there was no other way but this.   
  
  


\- - - 

 

**PART TWO ❧ WINTER**  

** BLONDIE **   


  
  
She bought Amber a pairing of silver earrings for Christmas. She got to school early (for once) and slipped them into Amber's locker, looking forward to the end of the day when she'd meet Amber in the library. Blondie couldn't help but be a bit nervous; she'd spent the whole summer saving up to buy them, even if at the time she hadn't even been certain if her thing with Amber --  _whatever_  it was, Blondie couldn't name it -- would last.   
  
She'd spent a good number of nights lying awake worrying that one day Amber would wake up and realize that they simply could not go on, that this was a mistake, an experiment, nothing more and nothing less. Not like she would ever admit that to Amber, of course, but it was a relief when autumn had come and passed and Amber hadn't even seemed to even reconsider their relationship, not even for a second.   
  
They met in the library after classes were over, as was their routine. With winter having arrived in Brattleboro, they were limited to the times and places they could meet. Blondie severely missed the warmth and privacy of their spot by the pond in the park, the perfect distance between Lennox and their respective houses, and she longed for it to be summer again. Amber was already waiting for Blondie in the back, by the historical reference texts, leaning against the shelves and grinning as Blondie approached.   
  
(She was already wearing the earrings; Blondie felt her heart swell with pride and love.)   
  
"Merry Christmas to you too," Amber purred, pulling Blondie in by her kerchief and kissing her once, nice and slow, before presenting her with a ticket to Lennox Academy's Winter Formal. "I know we can't go together," she said, one arm wrapped loosely around Blondie's waist. "But I want to be there with you. It'd be nice to see you all dressed up for once." She kissed Blondie again.   
  
Blondie sighed, standing up on tiptoe to kiss the bridge of Amber's nose, looping her arms around Amber's neck. "If it was anyone else but you asking, I'd say no. But, yes; I'll go."   
  
"I've already picked out a dress," Amber said, grinning down at Blondie. "It's blue -- periwinkle. I picked it out with you in mind, of course."   
  
"Of course."   
  
Amber leaned in to kiss Blondie again, but they were interrupted by the sound of footsteps as someone approached. They quickly broke apart, Blondie shoving the Winter Formal ticket into her jacket pocket and straightening out her blouse and skirt. "Move," she growled at Amber, as Rocket rounded the corner; Amber stepped aside docilely, lowering her eyes to the ground.   
  
Even now it amazed Blondie how quickly they could slip into their roles, how easy it was to put on a mask. Before, she wouldn't have thought it could be that simple, that easy, but it was. Maybe they'd just had so much practice with it that it came to them like a second nature.   
  
As she brushed past Amber, Blondie snapped at Rocket. "What?"   
  
"Oh," Rocket said mildly, raising her eyebrows. "It's nothing. I mean, I was just looking for you, actually. I thought maybe we could work on our English homework together. Hi Amber."   
  
Amber gave a slight nod in Rocket's direction. "Hi."   
  
As soon as they were out of earshot, Rocket turned to Blondie and asked, "What was that all about?"   
  
"I don't know," Blondie said, trying to sound as irritated as possible. "I was just over there looking for a book and she happened to come over at the same time. Tried to talk to me about something we went over in Philosophy class the other day, I don't know. I wasn't interested in talking to her."   
  
Rocket made a quiet sound of agreement. "You know, she really isn't so bad," she said, after a minute. "Maybe you should give her a chance, Blondie. Sweet Pea said she's a bit lonely; she doesn't have a lot of friends, you know. Maybe Amber just wants to get to know you better -- I can't imagine why, though." Rocket laughed at that, shifting her bag to her other shoulder.   
  
It was so strange; all of a sudden Blondie was filled with a desire to tell Rocket the truth, to pull her aside and explain that she didn't hate Amber, not at all, far from it really. She pictured what the expression on Rocket's face would look like if she were to confess her true feelings, grinned at the mental image of Rocket blushing and getting all flustered, for once at a loss for words.   
  
She almost  _did_  want to tell Rocket --   
  
And just like that, the moment was gone, quickly replaced by a much darker image: the whole school finding out, them getting publicly disgraced. They'd be, at best, the laughingstock of the entire school; at worst, social outcasts. Amber's parents would be furious with her, would send her far, far away from Blondie, who would be unanimously dubbed the  _bad influence_.   
  
And Blondie could already see her own parents' reaction, imagined the unbearable silence of her own parents' anger at the revelation of the truth about their daughter, could hear the  _clink_  of the buckle on her father's belt and the sound of a door being slammed behind her. It was one thing to be a bit wild, a bit of a trouble-maker. That was something tolerable, something she would simply  _grow out of_ , as Blondie's mother always said, her lips pressed together into a thin, hard line.   
  
It was another thing altogether to be one  _those_  types of people.   
  
"Hey," Blondie said, after they'd been sitting for a while working quietly on homework together. "Are you planning on going to the Winter Formal?"   
  
Rocket shrugged. "I guess. Maybe. I don't have anyone to go with. Why?"   
  
"I was thinking about going," Blondie said, putting her hands into her pockets and fingering the edge of the ticket Amber had given her earlier.   
  
"Really? But you hate Lennox's socials." Rocket leaned back in her chair, folding her hands in her lap. She paused, then raised an eyebrow, the corners of her mouth turning up slowly into a grin."Is there something going on with you that I don't know about?"   
  
Blondie started, coughed. "I -- what? No. What are you talking about?"   
  
Rocket's grin widened. "It's a boy, isn't it?"   
  
" _No._ " Blondie said, more forcefully, feeling her control of the moment beginning to slip.   
  
"Oh my gosh,  _yes_ , it  _is_ ,  _that's_  why you've been in such an unusually good mood these past few weeks." Rocket looked annoying pleased with herself, acting like she'd just figured out some big secret. "I  _knew_ it. Are you planning on asking him to the social? Am I going to get to meet him?"   
  
"Um," Blondie stalled, flushing. She hadn't expected the conversation to take a turn like this. "No. I mean, I don't know. I probably won't go anyway. Lennox's socials are always so lame."   
  
Rocket's grin faded some. "Oh, come on, don't be like that."   
  
Blondie was silent, watching Amber out of the corner of her eye. Amber was balancing a book on her wrist, reading the back of it as she stood in line at the service desk, waiting to check it out. Blondie liked to catch Amber in these small moments, when she thought no one was watching her. There was always a sort of softness to Amber's face that Blondie liked, a far away look in her eyes like she was dreaming of another world.   
  
"Alright, alright," Blondie relented, after a few moments. "I will go to the stupid Winter Formal. But there is no  _boy_ ," she added a second later, despite it probably being in her best interest not to emphasize that point.   
  
Rocket shrugged. "If you say so." And then, "I'll be going too. And I'm sure I can convince Babydoll to come along too."   
  
"Great," Blondie muttered, rolling her eyes.   
  
"It's going to be really fun," Rocket continued, ignoring her. "You'll see."   
  
  


\- - - 

 

** SWEET PEA **   


  
  
"Oh, look, it's snowing," Amber remarked cheerfully.   
  
They were sitting at lunch, near the back of the cafeteria; Amber liked this spot best because it was both near the big picture windows that faced the athletic fields -- "So picturesque," she told Sweet Pea once -- and because it was the quietest spot.   
  
Sometimes they spent the whole lunch in a welcome silence, reading; Sweet Pea liked that she didn't always have to engage Amber in conversation like she did with Rocket. It was nice being able to just be silent and still for a little while and to know that the feeling was mutual.   
  
Sweet Pea cast a disinterested glance out the window. "Oh."   
  
"You know," Amber said, jabbing her fork into a piece of lettuce and meeting Sweet Pea's eyes, a slightly concerned look on her face. "You don't look good at all. Are you feeling okay?"   
  
"I'm fine," Sweet Pea said, absently rubbing at her eyes. "I'm tired, that's all. I haven't been sleeping well."   
  
Amber nodded. "End of semester finals nerves? That always happens to me."   
  
Sweet Pea couldn't say that what was really keeping her up these days were her more than worrisome thoughts about Babydoll, so instead she shrugged and mumbled an agreement. That seemed to satisfy Amber, thankfully, and they spent the rest of the lunch period discussing upcoming finals. Sweet Pea wasn't worried about any of her exams; she'd breezed through most of her classes in the fall with relative ease. She didn't aim for perfection like Amber did; she was satisfied with simply  _good enough_.   
  
Rocket, of course, couldn't be bothered with any of her schoolwork; she spent most of her time now with Babydoll. It made Sweet Pea sick to her stomach, thinking about Rocket following around Babydoll like a lost little puppy, fawning all over her. She imagined them sitting in class, whispering secrets back and forth, smothering their giggles with a hand over their mouths. They'd be all secret smiles and soft touches.   
  
It wasn't right at all.   
  
The thought of them, Rocket and Babydoll, grew both brighter and more terrifying in Sweet Pea's mind. She wondered if Babydoll actually had any idea, about Rocket. Sweet Pea wasn't entirely sure which option she preferred more, Babydoll being blissfully ignorant of Rocket's affections or actually  _knowing_  about them -- and reciprocating. It was that last idea that Sweet Pea recoiled from the most.   
  
She didn't mind that Rocket wasn't like other girls. That was absolutely fine.   
  
(Absolutely.)   
  
Rocket was her sister, after all. She was supposed to love her sister no matter what. Forgive her for her shortcomings. That had never changed.   
  
(She was not upset about it. She was fine.)   
  
But the very thought of Babydoll kissing Rocket or whispering lovely little things in Rocket's ear while she trailed her fingers along Rocket's arm, made it seem as though the air was too thick; she couldn't breathe, she felt herself choking, the walls closing in on her.   
  
(She wasn't jealous. Absolutely not.)   
  
  


\- - - 

 

** BABYDOLL **   


  
  
"Come on," Rocket said, lying back on the gymnasium stage and folding her arms behind her head. "Are you really not going to go to the Winter Formal? It's Lennox's biggest social event of the year, everyone's going to be there."   
  
"I don't know," Babydoll said, imaging herself sitting on the sidelines and watching all the couples slow dancing together. She wasn't too keen on the idea of paying money to feel miserable for an entire evening. "I don't have a date."   
  
Rocket pushed herself up onto her hands, rolling her eyes. "Ugh, you sound like my sister, always such a wet blanket."   
  
Babydoll flushed.   
  
"Sorry," Rocket said a moment later, catching Babydoll's eye. "But you know you don't have to have a date, right? I mean, it would be fun to go just  _because_. And anyway, boys from Westover -- you know, the boys' private school the next town over? -- they're invited to the formal too. So if you want to dance . . ." she trailed off, shrugging her shoulders.   
  
"Well," Babydoll said slowly. "I guess, maybe."   
  
"Blondie's going too," Rocket offered, sitting up more and hugging her knees to her chest. "And she doesn't go to  _anything_. Which pretty much means that now you  _have_  to come. Please?" she said, her tone changing, becoming softer, more pleading. "I'd really like you to be there."   
  
Babydoll hesitated.   
  
Truth be told, she wasn't really all that interested in going to the dance, date or no date. She'd gone to a few socials at her high school back in Burlington, but not many; usually she just got bored sitting around. And boys always felt like they were owed something for coming to the social in the first place, their hands and mouths a bit too eager. Babydoll didn't think that Lennox's Winter Formal would be much different at all from the dances she'd tried to avoid in Burlington.   
  
But Rocket really wanted her to go and Babydoll would have felt guilty if she'd skipped out, so she reluctantly agreed to come along. Rocket's face had lit up at that, and she'd happily babbled on about past formals until the bell rang. Babydoll reluctantly stood up, gathering her things together; their third-period Algebra class had let out twenty minutes early today and she and Rocket had wandered around until they'd discovered the gym empty.   
  
It was both a gym and an auditorium, with a stage against one wall and the lines for a basketball court painted on the wooden floor. Babydoll had grinned as Rocket hauled herself up onto the stage, prancing around playfully for a bit and reciting lines of Shakespeare before coming to sit down, her legs dangling over the edge of the stage. Babydoll had sat down on the floor beneath her, planning on getting some schoolwork done, but she'd gotten distracted by Rocket's talk about the Winter Formal.   
  
Walking out into the hallway towards her locker, she caught Sweet Pea's eye as she came out of her Latin class.   
  
"Hi," Babydoll said cheerfully, as they both stopped at their lockers.   
  
"Hey." Sweet Pea replied, almost hesitatingly, her eyes darting away.   
  
She and Sweet Pea were rarely at their lockers together at the same time; sometimes Babydoll thought maybe Sweet Pea was avoiding her. But she couldn't imagine why Sweet Pea would do that. Once, she'd mentioned it to Rocket, who'd laughed and told her she was being ridiculous.   
  
"Honestly, you're joking, right?" she'd said. "I'm pretty sure you're the  _only_  close friend I've had that she doesn't hate."   
  
Still, it seemed as though something was off. It felt to Babydoll as though there was some kind of distance between herself and Sweet Pea. It was more than a physical distance; it was something intangible, something unspoken. She closed her locker with a soft  _click_  and turned to face Sweet Pea.   
  
"So," Babydoll started, cautiously, knitting her fingers together. She always felt like she had to be cautious around Sweet Pea, though she wasn't sure why. "Are you going to the Winter Formal?"   
  
"Jeez, what  _is_  it with people today." Sweet Pea shut her locker with a bit more force than was nessecary, slinging her bag over her shoulder. She crossed her arms, looking annoyed. "You're the fourth person to ask me that. Yes, maybe I'll go. But it's not really that big of a deal."   
  
Babydoll said, "I'm going."   
  
"Oh." Sweet Pea started at that, her expression changing into something softer, more open. Babydoll could count on one hand the number of times that she'd seen that sort of look from Sweet Pea and she felt that familiar rush of giddy, reckless happiness spike through her. "You are?"   
  
"Yeah, of course." It was sort of a lie, but even as she said it, Babydoll couldn't help but wonder why she'd been so resistant to the idea in the first place.   
  
Sweet Pea bit her lip, pausing, as if debating what to say next. And then, finally, "Well, maybe I'll see you there."   
  
Babydoll couldn't help but smile at her. "Yeah? Cool."   
  
"Yeah, um. I'll see you around."  
  
Sweet Pea always seemed like a puzzle that Babydoll needed to solve; she found herself distracted in class, her mind wandering to that late October afternoon, when she'd stepped onto the veranda and their eyes had met over the top of Sweet Pea's book. Babydoll had thought that she'd seem something then, something bright, hopeful; she wondered sometimes if she'd really seen it at all or just  _thought_ she did.   
  
"Oh, Babydoll," Amber called lightly, an hour later, as Babydoll passed her rummaging through her locker. "Hey. I have something for you." She handed Babydoll a ticket for the Winter Formal with a smile. "Sweet Pea mentioned to me that you wanted to come and since I'm head of the committee, I thought I'd pick you up a ticket while I was selling them in the main office during my free period."   
  
Babydoll took the ticket, examining it. "Thanks Amber," she said, smiling back. "How much -- ?"   
  
Amber waved her hand dismissively. "Don't worry about it. You're the first new girl at Lennox since -- well, probably since me. Consider it a belated welcome gift. And now I have to get to class," she continued with a small groan, shifting her satchel from one shoulder to the other. "I'll see you around."   
  
"Yeah," Babydoll said, putting her ticket into her bag. "Yeah. And thanks again, really."   
  
Amber shrugged, turning. "It's no problem."   
  
  


\- - - 

 

** AMBER **   


  
  
It may as well have been the end of the world, as far as Amber was concerned, when, the day before the Winter Formal, Sweet Pea cornered her in the library after class and said, "What the  _hell_  is going on with you and Blondie?"   
  
"What?" Amber asked, startled. She had her hand up on a shelf above her head, in the midst of reaching for the only copy of  _Cat on a Hot Tin Roof_  that hadn't yet been checked out. "There's nothing -- what are you talking about?"   
  
"Since when are you two friends? I can't even recall you even  _speaking_  to her since fifth grade. So why were you two hanging around together in the library last week?"   
  
"We're not  _friends_. We're just -- I was -- we have French class together," Amber said weakly, well aware of how poor a case she was making with the way she kept stumbling over her words, "and she was asking me for help because she knows I'm the best in the class. And I said I'd tutor her because, well . . . " She couldn't think of a good reason. "Because . . ."   
  
"Because it will look good when you try for Class President next year?"   
  
"Yes!" Amber said quickly, desperate to latch onto any plausible excuse. And then, more reserved, "Yeah, exactly."   
  
Sweet Pea rolled her eyes. "Amber, you're a terrible liar. It's one of your best qualities, but, honestly -- I  _saw_  you and Blondie. Together. You were talking and laughing and -- and it didn't look like studying to me. It looked like -- " and suddenly Sweet Pea seemed to falter on her words, as if she wasn't sure what to say or how to say it " -- like you two were . . . close."   
  
Everything was happening so quickly; Amber tried to recall in her head the moment Sweet Pea was talking about.   
  
It had been a rainy Friday afternoon, the rain making the sidewalks slick with ice. Blondie had slipped a note in Amber's locker to meet in the library after school was over. Amber had traced her finger over the looping, lop-sided cursive, smiling to herself. They'd met in the dusty stacks of the archival section, had kissed with quiet urgency. And then Blondie's fingers had slipped just up under Amber's blouse; Amber had pushed her away, laughing, Blondie's fingers too cold against her warm skin.   
  
Amber swallowed hard, trying to rid herself of the lump that had settled in her throat.   
  
"You don't know anything," she said."It's not like that." She tried to push past Sweet Pea, who put out an arm to stop her. Amber could see a spark of understanding catch and grow brighter in Sweet Pea's eyes, like wildfire, and she was filled with an overwhelming sense of apprehension.   
  
"Oh," Sweet Pea said, very slowly and deliberately. There was just the tiniest strain to her voice. "Oh."   
  
"Sweet Pea -- " Amber tried, feeling her face grow hot. "It's not -- "   
  
"You and . . . her?" Sweet Pea asked in a weak, disbelieving voice. "Are you -- ?"   
  
Amber shook her head furiously, but she felt the prick of tears in her eyes and knew she'd given herself away. "Please don't tell," she whispered. "Please."   
  
Sweet Pea opened her mouth as if to say something, then shut it abruptly. A long, heavy silence hung in the air; it was unbearable. Amber willed for Sweet Pea to say something --  _anything_  -- because it felt like she was drowning, she couldn't breathe, and it was just --   
  
"I've got to go," Sweet Pea said finally, looking anywhere but at Amber. "I have to get home."   
  
"Yeah, okay," Amber managed, nodding slowly, trying very hard not to cry. "Yeah, of course. I'll see you later."


	3. Fic: forgive me darling, for every word i say (my heart is just too full of you) [part 3/5]

**  
SWEET PEA **

She ran into Babydoll an hour and a half into the Winter Formal, when Sweet Pea pushed open the bathroom door to find Babydoll at the sink, washing her hands. A tiny part of Sweet Pea wanted to turn and run; she didn't trust herself to act fine -- _normal_ \-- around Babydoll, and she felt a flush rise to her cheeks as Babydoll caught Sweet Pea's eyes in the mirror and smiled.

"Hi," she said with a slight nod, turning off the water and slipping past Sweet Pea to dry her hands. "I haven't seen you in a while."

"I'm surprised to catch you alone," Sweet Pea told her, leaning back on her hands against the sink. "Usually wherever you are, my sister is always only a step behind."

"Rocket's nice."

Sweet Pea snorted. "I'm sure she is. It still doesn't tell me why you're alone right now."

There was a slight pause, a moment's of silence, and then the corners of Babydoll's mouth turned up into a grin. "I think the bigger question right now," she said, sitting on the edge of the window sill, her skin even paler against the white of the snow outside, "is why you care so much."

"Well," Sweet Pea began, then hesitated. Babydoll had this way of doing something strange to all of Sweet Pea's words, getting them all tangled up and caught in her throat. She pushed herself up off the sink; her hands was foreign things to her now and she didn't know what to do with them, twisting her fingers together awkwardly. "Well, maybe I don't."

"Don't you?" Babydoll asked.

"No," Sweet Pea said.

The silence that fell between them then was absolutely unbearable. Sweet Pea watched Babydoll dry her hands off and drop the used bit of paper towel into the trash. It was the simplest of movements, but Sweet Pea felt like she was rooted to the spot, unable to do anything else but look at Babydoll, who looked magnificent in soft blues and cream. She licked her lips and swallowed, tried to speak -- nothing came to her. Babydoll lingered by the window near the trash can, looking out the window and watching the snow drift slowly down.

"Baby -- " Sweet Pea started, finally, and Babydoll looked over at her and the look on her face was just --

Sweet Pea crossed the room in a few fluid steps and gently pressed Babydoll up against the window.

Her actions surprised her; it felt as though her body was moving of its own accord. She struggled against herself, looking down at Babydoll, who stared up at her with wide, curious eyes. Babydoll's mouth was painted a slight rose color and Sweet Pea couldn't recall a time when she'd wanted to kiss Babydoll as much as she did now. But even underneath all that desire, there was still the part of her that willed her to just walk away. This was a line that could not be uncrossed, she knew. There would be no going back, not ever.

But then, just as Sweet Pea was about to pull away and run back to the dance and try to forget everything that had just transpired, Babydoll shifted beneath her and reached up to wrap her arms around Sweet Pea's neck. Her thumbs brushed against the nape of Sweet Pea's neck and it was simply too much -- Sweet Pea bent down and kissed her. In retrospect, she would berate herself for being so careless, for risking stealing a kiss when anyone could have walked in on them, Rocket included. She -- _they_ \-- had been so lucky. Fated, maybe, to have things work in her -- _their_ \-- favor for once.

It was several long moments before Sweet Pea pulled away, feeling her cheeks grow hot. Her breath came out in short, quick pants, and her heart pounded triple-time in her chest, as if she'd just run a marathon. Her lips still tingled from the kiss, as she took a small step back, Babydoll looked at her with the most beautiful eyes Sweet Pea had ever seen. Hazel and green with little flecks of gold in them.

(They said so _much_.)

"Oh," Sweet Pea finally said, very, very quietly. "Oh."

This was just too much -- she just _felt_ too much right now. It still felt like Babydoll's lips were pressed against her own, Sweet Pea could feel Babydoll's fingers gripping the back of her neck, pulling her in, holding her in place. Sweet Pea had never dared to hope that Babydoll even thought about her in _that_ way for even the tiniest, most fleeting of moments. And yet, when Sweet Pea had shorted the gap between them with three long strides, Babydoll had leaned up as Sweet Pea had bent her head down and --

And Babydoll had kissed her back.

There was a strange sort of feeling inside her now, like the aching had turned into itself into a sweeter, lighter kind of energy. She felt as though she might burst, from the feeling inside of her and she wanted nothing more than she press Babydoll against the bathroom wall and kiss her, again and again and again until her lungs ached for air.

(And now she felt it again, the sad understanding she'd felt when she'd seen Amber and Blondie together.)

But then the image of Rocket, all giddy and starry eyed over Babydoll, and the happiness caught and died in her throat, replaced by a heavy lump of guilt which made it hard for Sweet Pea to breathe. She couldn't do this, not to Rocket -- Rocket, who had taken to Babydoll instantly, from that very first moment. Rocket, who spent all her time with Babydoll, so sweet and fawning and absolutely yearning for Babydoll to return her affections.

It wouldn't be fair for Sweet Pea to steal Rocket away from her sister, even if her own feelings for Babydoll had grown so strong, had caught and spread like wildfire, growing stronger and stronger each day. She and Babydoll had only ever shared the tiniest of moments together. Standing by their lockers, Babydoll touching her wrist; a nod of acknowledgement after soccer practice; a handful of sentences exchanged over the top of Sweet Pea's book. How could she possibly compare those moments to all of Rocket's?

And why would she want to? Rocket was the one who cared. The one who tried. Sweet Pea had only ever tried to fight the pull of the tide, desperate to not be sucked under. She didn't even _want_ this, to be this person, to feel all of these things. But now, she wanted nothing more than to feel Babydoll's mouth on hers once again.

She set her jaw, feeling the prick of tears in her eyes. She could _not_ do this --

"Sweet Pea -- " Babydoll said, catching Sweet Pea by her wrist.

Sweet Pea shrugged her off, stepping backwards, widening the distance between them. "No, just, you know what," she tried, stumbling over the words, not wanting to lie but knowing it had to be done. "It's fine. I just -- I have to get back to the dance."

She turned to leave.

Babydoll tried again. "Wait -- "

But Sweet Pea was gone already, out the bathroom door and halfway down the hallway.

 

 

\- - -

 

** BLONDIE **

She arrived at the dance fashionably late (almost two hours) with the taste of whiskey still strong on her tongue (she'd had a little beforehand to loosen herself up some ) and dressed in the nicest thing she owned (a dark gray dress, the hem cut high enough above the knee to earn her quite a few disapproving looks from the faculty chaperones, but not enough to make her get sent home). Her eyes swept across the room as she entered the gymnasium, which was lushly ornamented with blue and silver decorations. A layer of fake snow lined the perimeter of the room, piled higher in the corners and around the edges of the stage.

She found Amber after a minute or two of looking, standing near the refreshments table talking to another girl who Blondie supposed was a member of the social committee. Their eyes met across the floor and Blondie felt herself go a bit weak at the sight of Amber, dressed like a vision in the night, in a pastel indigo dress with a sweetheart cut, her hair piled into an elegant bun at the top of her head. She was wearing the earrings that Blondie had given her and they sparkled in the light.

Blondie winked and smiled as Amber caught her eye. She hadn't seen Amber all day today -- and it was so strange, how in the beginning, Blondie would have been fine with not seeing Amber every day, but now it seemed so torturous to have to go just one day without her. Amber had become such a constant presence in Blondie's life, it felt wrong to not always have her there.

They met in the dark hallway at the far end of the freshman hall, with a jerk of Blondie's head and Amber five minutes behind, like always, pretending as though she didn't even know Blondie existed until she was safely out of sight from everyone but Blondie.

"Hi," Blondie said, suddenly feeling shy with Amber, dressed so lovely, right in front of her. "You look . . . wow. You look gorgeous."

Amber smiled, a faint blush rising to her cheeks. "Thanks. And same to you."

Blondie rolled her eyes, but the smile she gave Amber was playful, gentle. "I clean up very well," she told Amber, as she slid an arm around Amber's waist, slowly pulling her in closer. Amber's dress was silk underneath Blondie's hand, resting along the curve of Amber's hip; her lips were painted a dark crimson color, drawing out the white of her teeth. Blondie couldn't wait, she wanted to kiss Amber now, even if it was risky to do it in such an open space, even if it _was_ dark.

She stood up on her toes -- even in heels, she was still shorter than Amber -- and kissed Amber once, softly on the corner of her mouth. Amber sighed against her, bending down a little and turning her head so that she was kissing Blondie full on the lips. But then a second later, she pulled away, taking a step back.

"Blondie," she sighed again, shaking her head. "No. We can't."

Blondie assumed Amber was talking about the fact that anyone could walk by and see them together. "Shh," she murmured, touching Amber's wrist. "It's okay. Everyone's too busy with the dance right now; no one is going to catch us. We're safe."

She moved to kiss Amber again.

"Stop, I said no, _we can't_." Amber pushed Blondie away, her shoulders slumping. And then, suddenly, "There's something I have to tell you: Sweet Pea knows. About us, I mean. She knows that we're . . . together."

"What?" Blondie asked, as a heavy feeling of confusion and dread settled in her stomach, her good mood quickly evaporating. "What do you mean? How does she know?"

Amber shrugged. "I guess, well, she saw us."

"Doing what?"

"I don't know. Does it matter? She saw us in the library -- not, you know, doing anything -- but she put two and two together, like anyone would, and she confronted me about it. And, and I," Amber faltered, eyes shiny with tears. "I tried to tell her that no, it wasn't like that, but she figured it out. She knew I was lying."

Blondie slumped against the row of lockers, feeling the cool metal against her shoulders. "So, what," she asked flatly. "What does this mean?"

"I don't know."

"What do you _mean_ you don't know."

Amber looked down at the ground. "I mean, I asked Sweet Pea not to say anything. She probably won't -- I don't think so. But I'm not sure, I mean, I don't know her all that well, I can't say for certain."

Blondie frowned, crossing her arms, fear turning to anger. "Well, that's just great, isn't it? Maybe she'll tell or maybe she won't; maybe she'll chose not to ruin our lives, but then again, maybe she will. Thanks Amber. That's helpful."

"Oh, just, _don't_ ," Amber said, giving Blondie a push and striding over to the other side of the hall, leaning against the row of lockers there. "Do not even try to pin all the blame on me for this. You are just as equally guilty as I am, perhaps even _more_ so -- don't try and argue, we both know it," she snapped, as Blondie opened her mouth to protest. "And if Sweet Pea tells -- if we get found out -- it will be as much of your problem as it will be mine."

Blondie balled her hands into fists, glaring at Amber. "If it had been _me_ \-- "

"But it wasn't, was it, _Suzanne_?"Amber snapped. "What do you want me to say? Of course I would take it back if I could, but you _know_ Sweet Pea, you _know_ she wouldn't have let the issue go until she'd learned the truth. And she's been in a terrible mood for months now, ever since the new girl arrived; what was I _supposed_ to do?"

Amber glared at Blondie, her eyes dark with anger. It occurred to Blondie in that moment that this was the first fight that they'd ever had. Even in their early days, when they were still beginning to learn who the other one really was, they'd barely ever had anything more than a disagreement. And now they were almost to the point of shouting, standing in a dark hallway, completely exposed.

"You know, you are just too fucking much for me sometimes, Amber," Blondie said, with an aggravated sigh, throwing up her hands. "What the hell are we supposed to do now?"

"I don't --"

"Don't say that you don't know. Do _not_ say that."

Amber set her mouth in a thin, hard line. "Fine. I won't say it. But you know what, Blondie? I'll say this: go to hell."

Blondie was stunned into inaction at that, as Amber put her hand to her mouth to muffle a sob, quickly pushing past Blondie and hurrying her way down the hallway back towards the gymnasium. Blondie tried to call after her -- _Jackie!_ \-- wanted to, anyway, felt Amber's name on the tip her of tongue, but there was no air left in her lungs.

Unable to speak, she slumped down to the ground, resting against the row of lockers behind her.

 

 

\- - -

 

** ROCKET **

"Have you seen Amber anywhere?" Sweet Pea asked, meeting Rocket at the punch bowl and watching her get something to drink. "I can't find her and there's something that I have to talk to her about."

Rocket gave a small shrug and sipped her drink. "I think she might have left. Someone mentioned that she was really upset about something -- I think it's about a boy. What?" she asked, as Sweet Pea rolled her eyes. "If you really want to find her, go ask -- "

"It's fine," Sweet Pea said quickly, cutting her off, waving her hand dismissively as Babydoll came over to them. "It's not a big deal."

"Hey," Rocket said, grinning at Babydoll and taking in her outfit.

For once Babydoll's hair was down and out of what had become her characteristic pigtails. It had a slight wave to it, falling down and around her shoulders, her bangs swept to one side and held in place with a plain, simple bobby pin. Her dress was a snowy blue color, silky and soft-looking; Rocket found herself wondering what it would feel like under her palms.

Babydoll smiled at them both. "Hi Rocket, Sweet Pea."

Sweet Pea looked away, with an expression on her face that Rocket couldn't read. "Hi."

"You look nice," Rocket told Babydoll, with an appreciative nod. She gestured to herself, "You look much better than I do."

"Oh, no. I think you look very pretty."

Rocket felt a tiny rush of satisfaction at that.

Sweet Pea cleared her throat pointedly. "Well, I guess I'll see you around then. Rocket, let me know when you want to leave."

Rocket nodded and Babydoll called out a soft goodbye to Sweet Pea's back, though Sweet Pea didn't turn around or acknowledge the farewell. She seemed to be trying to avoid Babydoll altogether, it seemed; the whole thing left a bad taste in Rocket's mouth, Sweet Pea's coldness, and she frowned, staring down at her glass and swirling the contents.

"What's wrong with her?" Rocket asked, watching Sweet Pea push her way through the crowd, going over to stand with some senior girls from the soccer team. "I don't get what's wrong with her these days, really. She's so hot and cold; I don't know what she's thinking."

Babydoll shrugged, looked away.

They stood around for a while, talking about nothing in particular, just some gossip about a few of the boys that certain girls had brought to the dance. At one point Rocket saw Blondie arrive; she hovered at the entrance to the gymnasium, scanning the crowd as if she was looking for someone. Rocket had tried to catch her eye, but a moment later, Blondie had disappeared back down the hall.

Rocket hadn't seen her since and she wondered out loud where Blondie could have gone.

"Maybe she's gone to meet with a boy," she said, thinking about her conversation with Blondie a week prior. It had been strange, the way Blondie had danced around the subject of who she was planning on going to the Winter Formal with -- and it had been so obvious she was going with _someone_ , Blondie never went to anything unless she had a reason to go.

She'd seen Blondie with boys, before -- after all, she hadn't earned a reputation for no reason -- but still, it was difficult for Rocket to imagine her being with a boy in a setting like this, a sappy, love-soaked dance. Blondie was more of the kind of girl who would smoke cigarettes and get buzzed on cheap beer and make out with a college boy under the bleachers.

She watched Babydoll watch the dancers, taking in the slope of Babydoll's neck, the slight flush to her cheeks, the way the lights reflected off her hair, making it look paler than it really was. She couldn't remember when she'd ever seen a girl look so lovely and her heart turned over slowly in her chest when Babydoll looked back at her, the corners of her mouth turning up into a slight smile.

It was too much to bear.

"Listen," Rocket said, after a little while longer, setting aside the plastic cup she'd been holding onto, the frame all bent out of shape from Rocket gripping it a little too hard. "Can we um, go somewhere? Just for a few minutes. I just need a break; it's too loud in here."

"Yeah, okay," Babydoll agreed with a smile, allowing Rocket to take her hand and lead her across the crowded dance floor, out through the gymnasium doors, and into the hall. There were a few couples hanging around the entrance and Rocket quickly pulled Babydoll down the dark hallway that led to the library.

Once they were away from everyone else, the music from the dance only a thin murmur of sound, Rocket sighed and dropped Babydoll's hand, who leaned against a row of lockers. Her hair was bright in the darkness of the hallway; Rocket's fingers itched to run their way through it.

Babydoll looked up at her expectantly, and Rocket felt her heart skip a beat, her stomach twisting into an anxious knot.

"Babydoll, there's something I've wanted to talk to you about," Rocket said slowly, trying to find the right words. "It's hard for me to say -- I mean, I don't know if I can say it right. I've thought about it a lot, for a long time now, but whenever I think about saying something to you, I just seem to forget, you know, what I wanted to say."

"Well, you can tell me now," Babydoll said demurely, folding her hands in front of her. "Whatever it is, you can tell me."

Rocket laughed, shaking her head and looking up at the ceiling, frustrated. "That is so easy for you to say. I wish I could just . . . Maybe I . . . " she trailed off, rubbing her temple, uncertain of how to continue.

How could she explain to Babydoll all the things she was feeling -- all the things she'd felt from the first time they'd met. She'd always known that she was different from other girls; even if she could never put a name to those feelings, she knew she shouldn't _want_ to. And she'd been okay, she'd been able not to worry about those feelings too much, she'd been able to keep herself from getting carried away.

Until Babydoll.

Rocket sometimes wondered if it really was possible to love someone at first sight, because from the first moment she'd locked eyes with Babydoll, she'd known that Babydoll would be the one girl who could completely undo her. And she hadn't been able to keep herself in check then, always wanting to hold Babydoll's hand or feeling those twinges of jealousy when other girls made her laugh or wanting to defend Babydoll from Blondie, who was still as snarky as usual, even if she'd seemed to have lost some of her bite.

"I don't know what you're trying to say, Rocket," Babydoll said, brow furled in confusion. She reached forward and put her hand on Rocket's wrist. "What is it?"

It felt as though every moment in her life had narrowed itself down to this one, small point in time. And it felt as there were only two things that could be done in this situation, two roads that she could take. She knew that she could either hold on or let go, and in that moment, Rocket knew that she wanted to hold on for dear life.

There was a soft _bang_ as Rocket pushed Babydoll up against the lockers with a kiss. It was so different from the first time Rocket had kissed a girl; for a moment, Babydoll was still, startled, but a moment later she sighed and pushed back into the kiss, her hands resting flat against Rocket's shoulders. Her tongue brushed across Rocket's lower lip and Rocket felt tiny sparks of desire race through her blood.

Babydoll tasted sweet, like spun sugar, and it was almost unreal, the way her lips were so soft and the fact that she was kissing Rocket _back_. She kissed Rocket back and she didn't try to pull away or run or do any one of the thousand things Rocket had imagined her doing, all of the times Rocket had daydreamed about kissing her.

It felt like hours when they finally broke apart, breathing heavily.

"I'm -- I'm sorry," Rocket said, taking two steps back, flustered and flushed and feeling still a tiny bit apprehensive. She ran a hand through her hair, continuing, "I didn't mean to just -- "

"Rocket," Babydoll said, quietly interrupting her, reaching for her, pulling her back in. "It's okay." Her hands slipped down until they were around Rocket's neck, and Rocket couldn't believe it, because Babydoll was standing up on tiptoe and leaning in to once more press their lips together.

This kiss was shorter than the first, but no less sweet. Rocket felt like swooning, almost.

"That was," she started. Stopped. Tried again. "Surreal."

"It was nice," Babydoll remarked, cheeks a bit more pink for the kissing.

Rocket said, "It was more than _nice_." And then, more awkwardly, "What does this mean?"

Babydoll hesitated, biting her lip. "I'm not sure."

"Oh." Rocket worked very hard to keep her voice level and even and hoped her disappointment didn't show on her face. She wasn't entirely she what she'd been expecting Babydoll to say, but she knew _that_ wasn't it. She just wanted . . . more.

There was a long, heavy pause, and then finally, Babydoll said, "I'm going to go back to the dance now, okay?" She didn't meet Rocket's eyes when she said it, her gaze fixed on something else, a spot on the floor.. "I'll see you in there."

Rocket sighed, once more running her fingers through her hair. Her heart was pounding so hard in her chest that she was afraid it might crack her ribs. She felt both happy and anxious, pleased that Babydoll had kissed her back, but worried now about where things would go from here. The last time she'd kissed a girl -- and it had been mutual, she knew it -- the girl had ignored her the rest of the school year and transferred out of Lennox over the summer. Rocket didn't really think that the same thing would happen with Babydoll, but she wouldn't be able to stand it if things were never quite the same between them, if they just had to pretend like the kiss had never happened.

But it was entirely out of her hands now, she knew. It was Babydoll's turn to make the next move, and while Rocket fervently wished that Babydoll had stayed with her instead of going back to the dance, she knew too that things couldn't always be that simple. This sort of thing had consequences and if they were to get found out -- well, she couldn't blame Babydoll for not wanting that kind of life.

Even Rocket wouldn't want it, if she could help it.

There was nothing left to do now though, except wait. Wait and see where things would go from here.

 

 

\- - -

 

** BABYDOLL **

She hadn't meant to lead them both on, not really, though she did have feelings for Rocket and Sweet Pea. They were just so different, and she'd always just assumed that her feelings would not pan out, so there wasn't anything to hope for, nothing to fight for. She hadn't thought that anyone would get hurt.

Babydoll had guessed, a little, about Rocket's affections for her, but she had dismissed them just as easily, certain that Rocket would not be so open about the way she'd felt. But Sweet Pea, she was always so closed off, so quiet. More concerned about Rocket than anyone else -- more so than herself. So when Sweet Pea had kissed her in the bathroom earlier that evening, Babydoll had been completely shocked by it. She hadn't thought Sweet Pea capable of taking those kinds of risks.

And she hadn't thought, either, that Sweet Pea felt the same things that Babydoll did. She'd decided after the kiss, that that was it. That Sweet Pea was the one that she wanted. But then _Rocket_ had kissed her, only an hour later, and suddenly everything had become that much more complicated, because she really _did_ want them both, there was no way around it. She wanted them both and she'd never expected either of them to want her back, but they _did_ and now she had no idea what to do.

(She did know, however, that there was no way they could learn how she felt about the other.)

"Hey," she said, touching Rocket's arm. "I think I'm going to go home."

"Oh?" Rocket said, looking a little disappointed, as if she'd expected Babydoll to stay or say something else. "Is everything okay?"

Babydoll could not recall a time in her life when she'd been asked such a complicated question in such a simple way. "Yeah, I'm fine," she told Rocket, who followed her over to the front of the gymnasium, where the coats were being stored. "I'm just a little tired. Tonight has been . . . interesting."

Rocket pursed her lips together and nodded. "Right."

They walked in silence down the dark hallway and outside, the chill air hitting them like a physical punch. Babydoll shivered, drawing her coat tighter around herself and stuffing her hands into her pockets to keep them warm. A few heavy, silent moments passed between them then, Babydoll staring down at her feet and Rocket rubbing her bare arms to keep them warm. Her face was flushed a bright pink color due to the cold, and Babydoll wondered if she'd ever seen Rocket looking as lovely as she did now.

"Well," she said finally. "I'll see you later."

"After break," Rocket said, nodding again. "Or maybe before that."

"Have a good Christmas."

"Yeah, you too."

Babydoll turned to leave then; she got about a dozen steps before she realized that she couldn't let things just sit like this, full of awkwardness and uncertainty. She wasn't entirely sure of anything -- she hadn't been and she certainly wasn't now -- but she felt as though she had to say _something_ , if only for her own edification and nothing else.

"I do -- I do care about you, Rocket," Babydoll said, turning back around to face Rocket, who stood with arms crossed, about to go back inside. "But things are complicated. More than you know. I wish that -- well, that they weren't, but I don't . . . know where to go from here."

Two quick seconds and Rocket was upon her, cupping Babydoll's face in her hands, and kissing her so gently, that Babydoll felt like she might swoon. And she realized than that this was why she loved Rocket the way she did; Rocket was so fearless, so completely unafraid of what might happen. She wasn't like Sweet Pea, she didn't care about what the world thought of her. She wanted happiness and she took it, everything else be damned.

"It _can_ be easy," Rocket said, against Babydoll's mouth, her breath hot on Babydoll's skin. "If you let it."

And Babydoll did, really. She so badly wanted it to be easy.

(She just didn't think that was possible.)

 

 

\- - -

 

** BLONDIE **

It was only a short time later when she finally managed to drag herself to her feet, still crying a little. She didn't really feel like getting up, but she knew that the longer she stayed out in the hallway, the more likely she was to have someone find her. And she simply could not deal with something like that right now. Or ever, really.

One warm, salty tear dripping down her cheek and off her chin as she stood, sniffling.

She needed to find someplace to go, to deal with this. She couldn't go back to the dance right now, not looking like a mess like this (and she was fairly certain that she wouldn't be able to stop herself from punching out any guy that flirted with Amber). And she couldn't go back home and cry because her parents were expecting her and they'd know something was wrong if got home too early

She figured one of the teacher's offices would be the best bet, but as she walked down the hall trying all the doorknobs; continuously she was met with disappointment with each locked door.

The only open office was Gorski's, of all places. Blondie quickly slipped inside, shutting the door gently behind her. It took a moment for her eyes to adjust to the darkness, and even then, the moon was so full and bright that the light fell through the open curtains, giving everything in the room a soft glow.

Gorksi's main office, the ones where she did her sessions, was closed; Blondie was standing in the middle of the waiting room. How many times had she sat in these chairs, waiting for Gorski to call her into her office? There was never an inevitable lecture about how Blondie needed to improve her attitude or grades or a half-dozen other things. No, Gorski was always playing nice, asking Blondie why it was she thought she did the things she did.

She was always trying to fix Blondie, but Blondie wondered if she was fixable at all. Or if there was even anything that needed to be fixed in the first place.

But now there was no Gorski, no session looming over her head. For once, she found herself alone.

Blondie was so angry and sad all at once that she felt like she was going to be sick; her whole body hurt, like everything was being twisted and snapped. They were completely and utterly fucked, there was no other way to put it. Sweet Pea would say something, of _course_ she would, why would she _not_ , and it would be all downhill from there. She thought about never being able to be Amber again, not being able to talk to her or touch her or kiss her and she felt herself boiling over with anger, fresh tears springing to her eyes.

Frustrated, she lashed out, aiming a kick at the full magazine stand that stood next to the chairs in the waiting room adjacent to Gorski's office. The periodicals scattered everywhere and the stand made a satisfying clanging noise as it toppled to the floor. It made Blondie feel good for a moment, having wrecked something, but another second later she was guiltily picking up the stand and kneeling down to put the magazines back in order.

Suddenly, the door opened and the lights were flicked on. "Blondie?" A female's voice, heavy with a Polish accent, floated through the air: Dr. Gorski. She never called any of the girls by their real names, always referred to them by their Blue-given nicknames, as if maybe she felt it would make her closer to them. "Ah, what are you doing in here? I thought I heard a crash."

"Sorry, Dr. Gorski," Blondie said, embarrassed. She scrambled back onto her feet. "I just -- I was upset and yours was the only office that wasn't locked, so I thought maybe -- sorry, I kicked over your magazine stand. I was just putting everything back. Sorry."

"It is okay," Dr. Gorski told her, shutting the door behind her. "What is it you were upset about?"

Blondie laughed, shaking her head, wondering if Gorski was really going to try and psychoanalyze her now, of all place and all times. "You wouldn't be able to help me even if you knew. And anyway, you wouldn't understand."

"Blondie," Dr. Gorski sighed, in that way that meant she thought Blondie was being difficult. "I know more than you think."

"Not this time." Blondie folded her arms across her chest, frowning, trying to stare Gorski down, even though her eyes were still shiny with fresh tears. She wanted Gorski to just let it go -- she'd apologized, anyway, for kicking over Gorski's magazine stand and there was no reason for Gorski to try and play the good doctor role when school was out of session for the winter holiday. "Can I go, please?"

Dr. Gorski smiled. It was sweet and not condescending, which made Blondie lose a little bit of her reserve. "I know that look," Dr. Gorski said, reaching forward and gently brushing the bangs out of Blondie's eyes. "You think you are all alone in this world and there is no one who can help. There is a way to fix anything."

Blondie could feel herself cracking, despite herself; she was afraid if she stayed much longer, she was going to blurt out the truth to Dr. Gorski. She cleared her throat, looked down at her feet. Maybe she could say something to Gorski, just to get her off her back; she could be as vague as possible, just telling enough to get by.

"Dr. Gorski," she started, letting her arms fall weakly to her sides. She took a step backwards, sitting down onto one of the waiting room chairs. "It just isn't that simple as -- it's not just about me and, and I'm not even sure if there _is_ something to fix. Why does everything always have to get so . . . fucked up?"

"Language," Dr. Gorski scolded lightly. She sat down beside Blondie, resting a hand lightly on Blondie's shoulder. "If you've made a mistake," she said, "then you can fix it. Some problems make take a longer time to fix. But there is no problem that is insurmountable."

Blondie nodded, sniffed. Swiped half-heartedly at her eyes. "And what about . . . I mean . . . It's loving someone that matters, right? I mean, if you love someone and they love you back, well, that's what's really important, isn't it? And everything else is just secondary."

"Oh, love," Dr. Gorski sighed, smiling and patting Blondie's arm. "I should have guessed. Is that really what is bothering you, child?"

"I'm not sure." Blondie shrugged.

"Love is a very complicated thing. It brings out the best and worst in all of us. What matters most is that we see the worst in the people we love, because they love us -- and if you really care for someone, you look beyond the worst parts of them."

Blondie couldn't help but smile a little at that, the way in which Dr. Gorski had been completely in determining just what it was Blondie was upset about. She assumed it was a lover's spat -- and it was sort of, Blondie thought, but it wasn't the argument that had her upset. Rather, it was the idea of losing Amber to disgrace, all because Sweet Pea had happened to see something that she shouldn't have and was a lot more clever than most of the student body at Lennox.

And then just like that, she felt tears welling up in her eyes again; Dr. Gorski was no help, she couldn't solve Blondie's problems. Blondie could tell that she wanted to, so badly, but she couldn't possibly know what was actually wrong unless Blondie told her. And that was never going to happen.

"Look, Dr. Gorski," Blondie said, standing up and taking a few steps towards the door. "I appreciate you trying to help. I _do_. But I think I'm going to have to sort this thing out on my own."

Dr. Gorski sighed, crossing her legs and shaking her head. "If you must. But I will be here, if you need to talk to me; I am good listener."

Blondie nodded one last time, before slipping out the door, not bothering to shut it closed behind her.

 

 

\- - -

 

** BABYDOLL **

This was the problem: she loved them both; she couldn't chose between them.

 

 

\- - -

 

** SWEET PEA **

It was almost an hour later when Rocket finally found her, saying that she was going to be outside if Sweet Pea needed her. Sweet Pea took this as a cue that Rocket was ready to leave, and she grabbed her coat from the coat room as she made her way out of the dance and out of the building.

Everything was dusted in a fine layer of snow and Sweet Pea braced herself for the cold as she pushed open the front doors and stepped outside.

"Where's Babydoll?" she asked, pulling her coat tighter around herself, shivering.

"Ah, she went home," Rocket said, turning to look at Sweet Pea, her cheeks rosy from the cold. She put her hands into her coat pockets and shrugged. "I guess she wasn't feeling too well."

"Oh." Sweet Pea felt her heart sink a little at that. She would have liked to have walked home with Babydoll, even if she'd had to share her with Rocket, who no doubtedly would spend the whole time chattering mindlessly about the dance. She never knew how to be quiet and just let the moment speak for itself. "Well, do you want to stick around any longer?"

Rocket shook her head. "Not really. It's sort of winding down now,you know? It's boring."

Sweet Pea couldn't help but wonder if Rocket had only gone to the dance because she knew Babydoll was there; she quickly pushed that thought aside. She glanced back at the front doors to Lennox Academy, the windows still lit up, the quiet roar of music emanating from the building. "Yeah, okay. Let's go home."

It was only after a moment that she noticed that someone else was outside with them; it was Blondie, sitting slumped over on one of the benches in the front garden. Had it been any other day, Sweet Pea would have kept right on walking away, but tonight she was filled with a strange, lovely sort of happy confidence and she felt as though maybe she should pass some of it along and see what was the matter.

She paused, Rocket stopping a few feet ahead of her, turning to look at Sweet Pea with a curious look on her face. "On second thought," Sweet Pea called to her, "um, you go ahead. I'll just be a few minute."

Rocket frowned, taking a step back."What's wrong?"

"Nothing, nothing," Sweet Pea lied, acting as though she'd just remembered something, rubbing agitatedly at her temple. "I just forgot I needed something out of my locker. I need it for my Calculus homework."

"Oh, I'll wait."

Sweet Pea shook her head no. "It's fine, really. Like I said: I'll catch up. Just go home, so that mom and dad know that we're okay. You know how they can worry."

That was enough to convince Rocket, who did an exaggerated eyeroll. "Okay, I'll see you at home."

She couldn't remember if she and Blondie had ever exchanged more than a dozen words at any given time, thought about how she could count the number of conversations they'd had over the years on one hand. Still, she felt a tiny pang of guilt as she crossed the front gardens; she was so happy, still riding her high from her kiss with Babydoll, and Blondie looked much too sad, sitting forlornly on the bench, her mascara running.

"Hey," Sweet Pea said, staring down at her hands. "I just wanted to tell you, I mean, I thought you should know, I won't tell anyone. About you and Amber, that is. Your secret is safe with me."

"But, _why_ ," Blondie asked, confused. Sweet Pea could feel Blondie's eyes boring into her skull and more than anything she wanted to just get up and leave. But she couldn't; she felt rooted to the spot. She wondered if it was a sort of guilt that kept her there, the knowledge that Blondie wouldn't be such a mess right now if it hadn't been for her . "I don't understand," Blondie continued, "why would you do something like that?"

Sweet Pea took a deep breath. She saw herself walking along the edge of a precipice, knowing that she was so close to falling off, staring down into the dark unknown. "Because," she said at last, twisting her fingers to match the way her insides felt. "Because I'm like you."

She didn't give Blondie a chance to respond -- she wouldn't have wanted to hear a response anyway. She stood up and shoved her hands into her coat pockets, ignoring Blondie's _what? wait!_ as she walked away, the snow crunching almost ominously under her shoes. So, _there_ , she thought to herself. She'd said it. And to Blondie, of all people, not to Amber, her friend or Rocket, her _sister_. It seemed so insane; she began to laugh, her breath catching in the chill air.

Her heart did feel a bit lighter, though, she couldn't help but think, as she trudged her way back home; as terrible as it had been in the moment to admit the truth about herself, in a way it had felt good too. She'd spent so much time agonizing over the way she felt and doing everything she could to _not_ feel that way, it had been a relief to just be honest about things for once.

(And maybe, too, she thought briefly, now that she'd admitted to that feeling, it might go away.)

It had been so strange, seeing Blondie and Amber in the library together; she'd been walking by when she heard them talking in hushed tones, muffling their laughter. Sweet Pea hadn't meant to spy, she'd only just been curious, that was all, but as she bent down to peer through the rows of books, she'd caught a glimpse of Blondie kissing Amber. She'd thought about kissing Babydoll a hundred, thousand times before, but it had seemed so different, watching two girls actually kiss. It was almost like she was watching an extension of herself.

She'd almost wanted to cry, she'd felt so suddenly relieved in that one moment. There was something so natural about it, the way Blondie's mouth fit Amber's, the way they looked at each other, the way Blondie knit her fingers around Amber's neck, standing on tiptoe to press a kiss to Amber's cheek -- it was wrong, but it felt oddly _right_ , too, in its own way.

And then of course she'd been overwhelmed with guilt over spying on a moment so intimate and had hurried off to find Rocket. But she'd replayed that moment over and over again in her mind, thought about asking Amber about her relationship with Blondie for almost a week before she managed to work up the courage to do so. And even then she'd been vague as hell -- she couldn't say the words, even now she still couldn't. She'd half expected Amber to deny the whole thing, to say that it wasn't what it looked like. She'd almost _wanted_ Amber to.

But Amber'd folded so easily and Sweet Pea hadn't even had to try, she'd _seen_ the truth, right there in Amber's eyes.

(She wondered if she herself was so obvious.)

The lights were still on in her house when she finally arrived, Rocket standing in the doorway, a silhouette. "What took you so long?"

"Nothing," Sweet Pea said, kicking off her shoes and brushing the snow off of her coat before hanging it up beside the door. She followed Rocket upstairs, turning the downstairs lights off as they went. Rocket paused at Sweet Pea's room, hovering in the doorway, silent as Sweet Pea undressed for the night, carefully draping her dress over her desk chair.

And then, "Tonight was a good night, wasn't it?"

Sweet Pea sat down on the edge of her bed, glancing out her window; the moonlight reflected off the snow, casting a soft glow over everything outside. She thought about Babydoll's hair in the thin light of the hallway, the softness of it between her fingers. The way she'd sighed into the kiss. She thought about Blondie, shivering on the bench outside the school, sad and tired and so desperate to know she was not alone.

"Yeah," Sweet Pea said, standing up and moving across the room to press a goodnight kiss to Rocket's cheek. "Yeah, it was."

 

 

\- - -

 

**PART THREE ❧ SPRING**

** BABYDOLL **

She wasn't exactly sure what to expect when she returned to Lennox Academy following Winter break.

Rocket's demeanor remained unchanged, however, and Babydoll felt relief flood through her at how easily they slipped back into their routine. She had only seen Rocket once over break, when they went to go see a movie together -- some romance movie that Rocket loved, but Babydoll couldn't help but think Sweet Pea would have hated -- and they hadn't talked about the kiss.

(Kiss _es_. Plural.)

Babydoll wondered if maybe she should just _say_ something about it. It felt as though they were always dancing around the subject; the second day back, Babydoll noticed Rocket watching at her. There was an expression on Rocket's face that Babydoll couldn't quite pin down, but she knew well enough that Rocket's feelings for her hadn't changed in the past two weeks that they'd been apart.

And hers hadn't changed for Rocket, either; it felt, in fact, as if they'd grown stronger. She'd spent a good deal of time over break sitting up in her room listening to records -- in particular, one she'd borrowed from her mother that had  
Pachelbel's Canon in D Major on it; it gave her a giddy feeling to listen to it, like how she'd felt the night of the Winter Formal -- and thinking about Rocket. Rocket's lips pressed against her, the way Rocket always looked at her with such longing in her eyes, the feeling of Rocket's hand in her own.

She thought about Sweet Pea, too, in some ways despite herself: the way Sweet Pea kissed her, her hands on Babydoll's waist, and her warm breath against Babydoll's skin. Sweet Pea was always so closed off, so hard to reach -- Babydoll had always believed her feelings for Sweet Pea to be nothing more than a schoolgirl crush, borne from Sweet Pea's supposed unattainability. When Sweet Pea had kissed her, Babydoll had decided that Sweet Pea was the one she wanted, but once she'd kissed Rocket, too, Babydoll had fallen back into confused uncertainty.

"Oh, hi," Sweet Pea said three days after break had ended.

Sweet Pea hovered halfway between her locker and Babydoll, as if she wished she hadn't come over in the first place. As Babydoll had expected, she hadn't seen Sweet Pea at all for the first few days she'd been back; Sweet Pea was an expert when it came to avoiding her, Babydoll knew. After all, she'd done it for the better part of the school year.

"Hi," Babydoll said, shutting her locker and spinning the lock. "How're you?"

"Fine." Sweet Pea didn't meet Babydoll's eyes as she dialed in the combination to her locker, popping it open.

"I was wondering when I'd finally get a chance to see you," Babydoll added, after a moment, as the silence between them became unbearably long. She switched her school satchel over to her other shoulder, leaning against her locker. "I thought maybe we could talk -- "

Sweet Pea frowned at her Calculus book, shoving it into her bag. "There isn't anything to talk about."

"Did you forget already?" Babydoll asked, moving in closer to Sweet Pea and lowering her voice. "About the Winter Formal? Because I haven't. I thought about it all the time while we were on break."

"Babe," Sweet Pea said, staring into her locker. "You need to forget about it. It isn't going to happen again."

Babydoll started, frowning. "But -- "

"Look," Sweet Pea shut her locker. She slung her bag over her shoulder, crossing her arms. "You want to be with Rocket, don't you?"

Babydoll felt her face grow hot. She didn't know how Sweet Pea could have figured out that Babydoll had feelings for Rocket as well; for a panicked moment she wondered if she knew Babydoll had kissed the both of them during the Winter Formal. Then again, Sweet Pea was clearly the quieter, more observant of the two sisters; she must have been about to work things out on her own.

"I -- " Babydoll started, biting her lip. "I guess. I -- yes."

"Then that's who you should be with." Sweet Pea said decisively. And then, looking away, she added, "She loves you, you know."

Babydoll nodded slightly, blushing even more. "And I -- I care about her as well."

"Sweet Pea kept her gaze from meeting Babydoll's, pointedly staring at the space about Babydoll's head. Then what's the problem?"

"Sweet Pea," Babydoll said, desperately wanting to be to make Sweet Pea understand; it wasn't that easy, having to choose between them. catching the sleeve of Sweet Pea's blazer. "I -- "

"Please, just -- just don't," Sweet Pea said, shrugging her off. "I have to go; I've got class."

"Wait," Babydoll tried again, helplessly, but Sweet Pea had already ducked into the crowd of girls moving through the hallway, trying to get to their next lesson.

Babydoll felt awash with sadness, suddenly, mostly because of Sweet Pea's utter rejection of her and also due to the fact that Sweet Pea was unwilling to even acknowledge their brief encounter. Surely, Babydoll thought, Sweet Pea must have reflected back on the moment at once between now and then; Babydoll had often imagined Sweet Pea imagining her, thinking back to that kiss and wondering -- hoping -- that it would lead to move.

But it seemed as though now Sweet Pea wanted nothing to do with her; because Babydoll couldn't chose between the two sisters, they chose _for_ her. Or, well, one of them did, anyway. A part of her was almost glad for it, a sense of relief that she would not be the one who had to break someone's heart. But another part of her felt guilty for being able to take the easy way out.  
"Are you okay?" Blondie asked, as Babydoll slumped into her seat just as the bell rang to signal the beginning of third period. "You look . . . sick."

"I'm fine," Babydoll shrugged, pulling out her French workbook.

Blondie raised an eyebrow, but said nothing,

The morning dragged on endlessly; Babydoll was anxious to get a chance to talk to Rocket. Though they shared fourth period together, Rocket was late coming into class and all Babydoll managed was a small wave from the other side of the room. She spent the whole class on edge, glancing over at Rocket every few minutes and wondering what would finally happen once Babydoll got a chance to be alone with her.

She hurried up to Rocket as soon as the lesson was over. Rocket was still copying down notes from the board and she looked up as Babydoll approached. "Oh, hey," she said, flashing Babydoll a quick smile before finishing up what she was writing. "What's going on?"

"Can we, um, talk for a minute?"

Rocket gave Babydoll a curious look as she stood, packing up her things. "Yeah, sure. Why? Is something wrong?"

"No," Babydoll said quickly, putting her hands up. "No, it's . . . it's nothing."

"We've only got a few minutes," Rocket told her, as she pushed open the door to the girl's bathroom and dropping her satchel by the sink with a sight. "What was it you wanted to talk to me about?"

Babydoll had spent all of third and fourth period working out what to say to Rocket after her discussion with Sweet Pea, but now that she was here, standing in front of Rocket, all the words escaped her. There seemed, suddenly, to be no right words to explain the situation. No right words for Babydoll to say, _yes_ , she wanted this . . . this _thing_ with Rocket to be something more than what it was right now.

So instead of answering, she just dropped her own satchel, pushed Rocket up against the bathroom wall, and kissed her. She had to stand on tiptoe to do it, gripping the front of Rocket's sky blue blouse for support. Rocket was still for a moment, caught off guard, but then a second later she was pushing back into the kiss, her arms around Babydoll's neck; the kiss, at first hard, turned softer. Languid. Babydoll sighed as Rocket's tongue brushed against her lower lip. She leaned into Rocket, letting go off her blouse and moving her hands down to settle on Rocket's waist.

When she finally pulled away, panting, she stood staring at Rocket, who blinked rapidly, as if waking from a dream. And then her mouth turned up into an pleased smile. "See? Easy. Just like I said."


	4. Fic: forgive me darling, for every word i say (my heart is just too full of you) [part 4/5]

** AMBER **

"It's almost summer," Blondie drawled, lying down on the grass beside the bleachers, while Amber sat above her, working on homework. "I can't wait."

It was Sunday morning, a particularly warm one in late April, and Amber had suggested that they meet at school, since no one would be around. She was glad winter had finally melted and given way to Spring, the weeks punctuated by bouts of rain and increasingly warm weather. There was a certain kind of freedom that came with the nicer weather; she and Blondie could go out, spend more time together. The winter months had suffocated them.

"You should be doing homework," Amber admonished, looking down at Blondie over the rims of her reading glasses. "We've got exams in a month and with the way you've been skipping out of classes recently -- "

"Oh, hush," Blondie said, clambering up onto the bleachers and sitting down beside Amber. "Like I said, it's almost summer. I'm don't want to bother with books and homework and class and everything else. Right now, I'm much more interested in spending my time with you and thinking about us."

She took the history book from Amber's hand, setting it aside on top of Amber's notebook, before jumping back down into the grass, laughing as she did so. She reached for Amber and Amber allowed herself to be pulled down to the ground as well; she stumbled as she landed, falling against Blondie and knocking them both to the ground. She kissed Blondie breathlessly, laughing; Blondie tangled her fingers in Amber's hair, her hand gently gripping the back of Amber's head.

Her other hand shifted down to the small of Amber's back, fingers tracing small, light circles against a small spot of exposed skin where Amber's blouse had ridden up. Amber couldn't remember for the life of her, in this moment, as to why she'd been so mad at Blondie at Lennox's Winter Formal. Couldn't understand why she'd stayed mad until Blondie had called two days later and mumbled an apology; they'd met later that day in a (thankfully empty) dark theatre, kissing until Amber was certain her lips were bruised.

She giggled as Blondie's fingers danced a little higher up her back, teasing Blondie with small, fleeting kisses.

Behind them, suddenly, someone cleared their throat. "Ahem. Don't you girls have some work you should be doing?"

"Oh, Sweet Pea," Amber exclaimed, quickly sitting up, flushing, thankful it was her and not someone else. Sweet Pea was staring down at them with a bemused expression on her face. One hand was on her hip and in the other hand she carried a soccer ball. "What are you doing here?"

If it had been anyone else, Amber would be silently panicking about how much they'd seen or heard, but there was no such fear with Sweet Pea; the day that Blondie had apologized had been the same day that she'd revealed Sweet Pea's secret. Amber herself hadn't yet spoken to Sweet Pea about it, unsure how to bring it up in conversation and also a little fearful of Sweet Pea's reaction. Still, it was a relief to know that Sweet Pea had a reason for keeping quiet about Amber and Blondie's romance, and also that they were not the only two girls in the world who felt the way they did about other girls.

"I used to come here on Sunday mornings to practice, you know, when I was still on the team,"Sweet explained, tossing the ball back and forth between her hands. "I liked being able to do things on my own; it helped me to concentrate. Anyway, old habits die hard and -- I thought maybe since it was so nice out, I'd come do a bit of practice, just for old time's sake."

Amber said, "Well, we won't bother you, if you want to be alone.

Sweet Pea shrugged. "I don't mind the company. But I'm surprised you two are out here in the open like this; aren't you afraid of someone seeing you two together?"

"Well, it's not as if Lennox is usually a center of excitement on weekends," Blondie said. "Especially with exams coming up, no one wants to be here if they don't have to be.We figured we'd be alone."

"Lucky it's me here instead of someone else, then." Sweet Pea dropped the ball to the ground, kicking it up and bouncing it on her foot, with such minimal effort that Amber couldn't help but be impressed. "So," Sweet Pea said, after a minute, "are you just here to do homework, then?"

Amber grinned. " _I'm_ here doing work. Blondie's just here to annoy me," she teased, winking at Sweet Pea, who grinned as well.

"Oh, please, you love it --" Blondie started in, rolling her eyes and giving her a playful shove that made Amber giggle.

Sweet Pea made a face that Amber knew meant she thought they were being ridiculous. They'd never been flirty together in front of anyone before and Amber had to admit that it did make her a bit giddy and reckless, knowing they could just be themselves without having to worry about what people might think.

"Well, I've got this with me," Sweet Pea said, kicking her soccer ball up and catching it with one hand, giving it a twirl. "Want to scrimmage with me? Two against one, since I've got an advantage."

"Well . . . " Amber hesitated. She'd never been much for sports, though she certainly did enjoy going to Lennox's various sporting events throughout the year. She considered herself much more of a spectator than a participant; Blondie was the rougher, more competitive of them anyway.

"Don't be a scaredy cat, Amber," Blondie said, jogging the few feet over to where Sweet Pea was standing, stretching her arms up and across behind her head. "Come on," she said, giving Amber an encouraging smile. "It'll be fun to kick Sweet Pea's ass at her own game."

"You shouldn't make promises you can't keep," Sweet Pea tossed right back, dribbling lazily around her.

Amber sighed and jogged out to the field to join Blondie and Sweet Pea. "Okay, fine," she told Blondie, rolling her eyes. "I'll play. But you've got to do the more physical stuff," she added, pointing down at her flats and then over to the Blondie's saddle shoes and Sweet Pea's Keds. "I'm not really looking to have my feet bruised senseless."

"Such a _girl_ ," Blondie teased, deftly ducking out of the way as Amber lunged at her, half-amused and half-annoyed.

It didn't take long for Amber to get into the game, once they finally started playing. Even though it was just a scrimmage -- and a most basic one at that -- Amber felt herself getting caught up in the rhythm of playing and the rush of competition. Still, neither she or Blondie had any skill with the game -- though Blondie had certainly mastered the physical aspect, Amber thought, amused, as Blondie knocked Sweet Pea over to kick in an easy goal.

But Amber was no match for Sweet Pea either physically or mentally when it came to this game, and Amber could tell Blondie was getting more and more frustrated as the scrimmage went on and Amber showed no signs of improvement, weakly jabbing for the ball with her foot as Sweet Pea ran towards her.

"You are _terrible_ at this," Blondie huffed, as Sweet Pea faked around Amber and dribbled in for an easy goal. She bent over, resting her hands on her knees, panting. Her face was flushed a pretty pink color from all the running around and thin wisps of hair clung to her neck and forehead, skin slick with sweat. She had a long grass stain across the front of her dress, cutting across her midsection.

Amber rolled her eyes. "Like you're much better."

"Better than _you_ ," Blondie gave her a slight push.

Amber shoved her back, albeit good-naturedly. "We can't _all_ be tomboys."

And then Blondie was pouncing on her, sending them both tumbling to the ground, Blondie laughing as they landed in a tangle of limbs. Amber gasped as Blondie's fingers sought out the more ticklish areas of her body; she squealed and tried to push Blondie away, to no avail. "Stop, stop," Amber giggled, trying to catch her breath. "Sweet Pea!" she called out, in mocking desperation. "Help."

She turned to look at Sweet Pea, who was watching them with a strange expression on her face. Amber couldn't read it; it looked like a mixture of amusement and sadness and sudden realization. She had never seen Sweet Pea look that way before and it concerned her a little. Beneath her, Blondie stopped squirming around, her fingers stilling as she followed Amber's gaze.

"You okay, Sweet Pea?" Amber asked, recovering a bit and sitting back on her heels.

"Yeah," Sweet Pea said in a distant tone. And she seemed to snap back into herself, shaking her head and kicking lightly at the ball. "Yeah, I'm fine."

 

 

\- - -

 

** SWEET PEA **

It should have been harder, Sweet Pea thought.

But like everything in life, it was easy. Easy to love, easy to lose. Easy to step back, to sit on the sidelines. Easy to turn down her love, like a stove, to just pull everything back into herself. She wished it was harder; maybe then she would have been able to fight for it. But the truth was, she couldn't fight, not for something like this. It seemed wrong somehow, like the worst kind of betrayal. Rocket wasn't blood, but it _felt_ like she was, and Sweet Pea had always promised to protect her.

Even if it meant protecting Rocket from herself. Even if it was at the cost of her own happiness. That was the way things worked, that was the hand she was dealt in life. It was more than just imaging the look in her mother's eyes if she knew how badly Rocket had been hurt at Sweet Pea's hands, more than the stinging sense of hurt she'd feel if the bond between her and Rocket was broken, severed beyond all repair.

It was easy, but it also wasn't; she knew she should be happy for Rocket -- theirs was a shared happiness, always, ever since they were young -- but the truth was, she still wished she could fight. She wanted to be able to fight, wanted to be able to go to Babydoll and convince her that she really did believe in what they had. But she couldn't do that; it wouldn't be right. Wouldn't be fair. She was bound to playing by the rules no more so than she was bound to her sister and bound to the unspoken obligations she had as the elder sibling.

Or, maybe, it was fear that kept things easy, kept her from really wanting anything for herself.

There was a nameless fear, she knew, at the idea of losing Rocket, her parents. Babydoll's love was a love she could lose, but there was a terrible ache in her of the thought of an absence of Rocket and her mother's love. It was stronger than the sadness of seeing Rocket reach under the desk and take Babydoll's hand in own, stronger than the jealous desire that sparked in her when she thought about Rocket kissing Babydoll's ear and whispering soft promises.

Another fear lingered too, a fear of having been able to fight, of wanting to fight, and losing in the end. It was best, Sweet Pea decided, that she was the one to end things. The one who called the shots, the one who broke hearts -- and hers was the easiest heart of them all to break, she knew. It was easier to hurt instead of being hurt. Everything was easier, always; that was the path that she chose, the one of least resistance. Let Rocket be the one who threw caution to the wind and was willing to die for what she wanted -- she could be reckless, because Sweet Pea was always there to save her in the end, to ground her, keep her in place with an anchor.

Sometimes Sweet Pea would imagine herself holding onto the string of the kite that was Rocket. It would be easy, yes, to let go, but eventually she'd have to chase her down again; and therein laid the difficulty, because while it was easy to lose things, but harder to find them. Best she just play her part and keep Rocket tethered to the world, lest the wind got too strong.

"She can never, _ever_ know about us," Sweet Pea had told Babydoll, cornering her in the library the first week back from winter break, right about Sweet Pea had pushed Babydoll away and into Rocket's arms. "So you can't tell her, okay? You can't tell her that we kissed or anything I said to you."

Babydoll had nodded and promised to keep quiet.

Sweet Pea knew Babydoll didn't quite understand it, but that was okay.

"Oh come on," Blondie said, sitting down next to Sweet Pea on the bleachers, dropping her bag with a soft _thud_. "Are you still moping over Babydoll?"

"What?" Sweet Pea asked, startled. "What are you talking about?

Blondie rolled her eyes. "Please, Sweet Pea, don't act dumb. It doesn't suit you at all."

"How do you know -- "

"Rocket's my friend, isn't she?" Blondie asked, shrugging. "I've known her for years and it's not as though her feelings for Babydoll are a thing of mystery. Also," she added, grinning, "Amber sort of figured it out. I mean, about you and Babydoll. Though it was pretty obvious once we knew, um, about your inclinations."

Sweet Pea flushed. "I'm not _moping_ ," she grumbled.

Blondie shrugged again, reaching into her bag and pulling out of a pack of cigarettes. She lit up and exhaled a cloud of smoke up towards the sky; the wind caught it and pulled it across the bleachers, towards the field. "You're not really going to let Babydoll get away that easily are you?"

Blondie was not exactly the type of person Sweet Pea would have gone to for moral support -- and she certainly wasn't _looking_ for any -- but she didn't want to say that, so instead she just shrugged her shoulders and said nothing. They sat in silence for a while, watching the lacrosse girls run drills, their shouts and the sharp chirping of the coach's whistle drifting up towards the open spring sky.

"There's nothing I can do," Sweet Pea said finally, just to break the silence. "With a problem like ours, well, someone was always bound to get hurt. Better it to be me than Rocket; I'll be leaving in two months and she's still got another year, year and half. Why should she have to be the one who's weighed down with unhappiness, when I'll be starting a whole new life come September?"

"Such a martyr," Blondie sighed, shaking her head and leaning back against the row of seats behind them. "Do you really not even care about your own happiness?"

"It's not that simple."

"Of course it's not _simple_ , that's not what I mean. I just -- I don't understand why you wouldn't be willing to fight for someone you love. It's not like you don't have a chance. But you let Rocket win, surrendered before the war even began."

Sweet Pea closed her eyes, tried to ignore the sting of tears. "Some things just aren't worth fighting for."

"That's not true. Anything that makes you happy is always worth fighting for."

"Not this time," Sweet Pea told her and tried very hard not to cry. "I can't fight my sister, Blondie. You don't understand."

"No," Blondie sighed, closing her eyes and exhaling a cloud of smoke. "No, I guess that I don't."

 

 

\- - -

 

** BLONDIE **

"Hey," Amber said, dropping her bag by the sinks and coming over to kiss Blondie by the windows. "Sorry I'm late."

Blondie smirked. "Look at you, Miss Class President, skipping out on assembly. I'm surprised. How'd you get away with that?"

"I told Gorski I wasn't feeling well, that I was in a delicate state," Amber said, grinning and miming air quotes to the last part of her sentence. "And she let me off to go see the nurse, no problem. See," she said, nudging Blondie gently in the side before deftly plucking Blondie's cigarette from between her fingers and taking a slight drag of it. "I can be bad too."

"Okay," Blondie laughed, as Amber coughed on the smoke and quickly handed the cigarette back. "You don't need to impress me, you know."

Amber made a _mmhmm_ sound, pulling Blondie in by her kerchief. They kissed until the bell rang, blissfully uninterrupted for the entirety of assembly. Blondie took it to be a sign of good fortune, especially when Amber stood up and said, "Come over to my place tonight. My parents are going to be in Boston all weekend -- one of my cousins is getting married. They thought I should stay home and study for exams. But I'd rather have you come over, obviously. We'll have the whole place to ourselves."

"Are you sure?"

"Aw, it's not like you to be the cautious one," Amber teased, adjusting the collar on Blondie's shirt. "Of course I'm sure. Think of how nice it will be, us, alone, being able to just be around each other and not having to worry about other people and what they might think."

"Well, yes, there's that," Blondie said, as Amber stepped back, turning to the mirror to fix her hair. Grinning, she added, "Among other things."

Amber caught her eye in the mirror and blushed a bright pink color. Blondie couldn't help but laugh at that, though not unkindly; she stepped forward to embrace Amber from behind, nuzzling up against her neck. Amber made a small sound of approval as Blondie kissed her way up the curve of Amber's neck; she turned in Blondie's arms, putting a hand against Blondie's cheek and kissing.

"We'll see," she said, deftly untangling herself from Blondie's arms and flashing Blondie a bright grin. "Maybe."

Blondie laughed again, shaking her head as Amber kissed her quickly on the cheek before grabbing her school bag. She watched Amber check herself once more in the mirror before murmuring a goodbye, the bathroom door shutting quietly behind her. Blondie sighed in her absence, leaning heavily on the sink and surveying her own reflection.

Her lipstick was smudged from kissing; Blondie wiped it away, with her thumb, already pre-occupied with thoughts about spending the weekend at Amber's place. They'd been seeing each other for almost a year now and hadn't gone any further than a bit of awkward fumbling in the girl's bathroom or locker room when they got a chance. Blondie had wanted more, of course, but she'd worried about both pushing Amber and their limits. It wasn't like there were a lot of places they could go to be alone -- if they were friends, publicly, it would have been a different story altogether.

(Not like Amber's parents would have allowed her to be even _friends_ with Blondie, with her reputation, but the point remained.)

Admittedly, though, she'd spent a great deal of time thinking about going further with Amber. It had been her most favorite and vivid daydream for a while now; she'd spent an almost equal amount of time working off all the frustration that came hand-in-hand with thoughts like that. And as Blondie fixed her own hair, staring at herself in the mirror, she couldn't help but wonder if Amber had had the same thoughts.

Time seemed to have slowed to a crawl, Blondie couldn't help but think, as she struggled to make it through the rest of her classes for the day. Normally she would have just skipped out, but she was supposed to meet Amber in the library at the end of the day to find out when it would be safe to come over.

"Well, you're looking awful happy today," Rocket remarked cheerfully, at lunch. "Is there something going on that I should know about?"

For a moment, Blondie _almost_ told her the truth, just because she would have loved to see the look on Rocket and Babydoll's faces while she told them that she was going over to Amber -- her _girlfriend's_ house -- to have sex for the first time. But as funny as it may have seemed, she knew it wouldn't be quite so hilarious in reality, so instead she just shrugged and said, "I guess I'm just really looking forward to the weekend."

Rocket nodded appreciatively, as if she understood. "We're going to the cinema on Saturday," she told Blondie, pointing between herself and Babydoll. "It's some drama picture, I don't know, it's got Audrey Hepburn in it."

"Oh," Blondie said, unwrapping her sandwich. "And what about Sweet Pea?"

At that, Babydoll blushed faintly and ducked her head.

But Rocket carried on, oblivious. "I think she's planning on spending the whole day studying, actually," she said thoughtfully, chewing on a piece of celery. "She's really worried about our spring finals, even though I told her she doesn't have to worry about that, she's already gotten into college."

"What school is she going to again?" Babydoll asked.

Rocket shrugged. "Some girl's school in Massachusetts. I can't remember the name -- oh!, right. Smith. Smith College, in Northampton. That's it. I'm always forgetting what it's called. Anyway, she just went down for a visit there two weekends ago; I can't tell if she's just anxious to move out though or what. She's been in weird mood since winter break."

Babydoll looked clearly uncomfortable at that. "Well, maybe she's just excited, you know, to be on her own," she offered quietly.

Thankfully, the bell rang, indicating that it was time for sixth period.

"Maybe you should go talk to Sweet Pea," Blondie said to her in a low tone, catching Babydoll's elbow as they stood up to follow Rocket out into the hall for class. "See how she's doing."

A spark of confusion flashed in Babydoll's eyes, quickly replaced with a sign of recognition, understanding. The blush returned to her cheeks and she mumbled something about how maybe it would be a good idea, seeing as she was friends with her and all. She pulled away from Blondie's grasp, hurrying out of the cafeteria.

 

 

\- - -

 

** BABYDOLL **

She caught Sweet Pea outside after classes, grabbing her by the elbow and pulling her around to the back of the building, away from the rush of girls heading home from school. Sweet Pea gave a small cry of protest, twisting her arm free from Babydoll's grip.

"What are you _doing_?" she asked in an angry tone, staring down at Babydoll.

"I -- I don't know," Babydoll confessed, before pushing her up against the wall and kissing her, completely out in the open, where anyone could walk by and see them. Her heart was beating so hard in her chest that she thought it might crack her ribs, but Sweet Pea kissed her back, finally, after a few agonizingly still seconds.

Blondie _knew_.

Babydoll didn't know _how_ Blondie knew, she just was aware that Blondie _did_. Blondie knew about what was going on between Babydoll and Sweet Pea and she probably knew about Babydoll and Rocket's affair as well, something which unsettled Babydoll. If she'd wanted to ruin Babydoll's life with that sort of information, well, she could have quite easily -- but the strange thing was, she seemed like she _didn't_ want to tell anyone.

It was like she wanted to _help_ , almost.

"Babydoll," Sweet Pea said, pulling, but only for a moment. "I thought I said this wasn't going to happen."

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry," Babydoll murmured, in between kisses, quick and light. "I know you said just to forget it, what happened between us, but I can't. I've tried and I just can't and I don't _want_ to, Sweet Pea." She moved away from Sweet Pea's mouth, kissed her cheek, the curve of Sweet Pea's jaw. The space of skin just below her ear. "If only you knew how much I thought about you, how much I've wanted to kiss you since that first night."

"But Rocket . . . " Sweet Pea protested weakly. Her hands gripped Babydoll's shoulders, but they served only to draw Babydoll closer, rather than push her away. She sighed as Babydoll's fingers danced feather-light across her midriff, where her blouse had ridden up. And then, with more conviction, "This is just wrong; it's the worse kind of betrayal. Rocket's my _sister_ , Babe."

"I know." Babydoll kissed her once more on the lips, pulled back some. "I know and I know that I shouldn't want this, but I can't help it.

Babydoll closed her eyes, put her head against Sweet Pea's chest, breathed in the scent of soap and Sweet Pea's perfume, a slight hint of wild flowers. "Let's not fight, please," she said into Sweet Pea's blazer. "I don't want these few moments we have, as fleeting as they are, to go to waste."

Sweet Pea sighed, kissed the top of Babydoll's head. "I'm sorry, Babydoll," she said, after a long pause. "But we can't do this any longer."

"Yeah," Babydoll agreed sadly, untangling herself from Sweet Pea and stepping away. "Yeah, okay."

"Rocket's waiting for me," Sweet Pea said, fixing her clothes. "Our family has a dinner to go to tonight so we have to be home early. To get ready and . . . yeah," she trailed off, suddenly fascinated with the button on her blazer sleeve.

Babydoll swallowed. "Well, have fun," she offered in a weak voice. "Tell Rocket I said hello."

Sweet Pea gave her a look that meant she was in no way going to do any such thing. Babydoll turned her gaze downward, following Sweet Pea out to the front, a keeping a few yards distance between them. It seemed to Babydoll as though they would be forever like this, Sweet Pea always just out of reach.

"What are you looking at?" Sweet Pea snapped as she passed Blue, who was sitting on the hood of his car in the small front parking lot.

He shrugged and held his palms out. "Nothing."

 

 

\- - -

 

** AMBER **

They'd been kissing for hours, it felt like, had started almost as soon as Blondie had arrived at Amber's house at seven o'clock that evening. Amber had waved goodbye to her parents only an hour and a half earlier and had been a bit afraid that they would catch on to her eagerness and figure out what was going on. It had been a ridiculous worry, of course, but Amber had felt more than a little relieved when they'd finally left.

"You sure your parents won't worry?" Amber had asked Blondie, as she'd ushered her into the house.

Blondie waved her hand dismissively. "Please. I don't even think they know when I'm _home_ ; if anything, they'll just assume I'm staying the night at a friends house. Which isn't actually that far from the truth," she added after a moment. "So it's fine."

"Have you ever done this before?" Amber asked, as Blondie's hand slipped up her dress.

"A few times," Blondie admitted, and the way she blushed simply melted Amber's heart. It wasn't often when Blondie got flustered, and Amber ran her fingers up and down the length of Blondie's foreman, trying to settle her. "Um, with boys, I mean. Not -- not with a girl."

Amber nodded. She wasn't sure if girls did the same things with other girls as they did with boys, but she figured that at least some aspects had to be the same, if not similar. She was glad that at least one of them had a little bit of experience in this field. Taking a deep breath, she said, "Well, I haven't. With anyone."

Blondie blushed a brighter shade of pink at that. "Oh? Well."

"I -- I _want_ to, of course," Amber hurried on, just in case Blondie had the wrong idea. "I want to with you, but . . . I'm not . . . _sure_ what to do. I want -- I want to get it right."

They'd both agreed to start out slow, which had relieved Amber more than she could say. She'd never gone further with a boy than kissing and even though she and Blondie had fooled around little, it had mostly been a lot of over-the-clothes groping. It wasn't like Amber hadn't wanted this for ages though (because well, she certainly had, Blondie did marvellous things to Amber's heart and insides), but they'd never had the opportunity to actually take their relationship further until now.

Also, too, Amber was a bit terrified about the whole thing, simply because she knew nothing about it; a few books she'd sneakily looked at in the library when no one else was around hadn't done much to further her education on the subject.

"It's okay," Blondie told her, bending down to kiss along Amber's neck, her hand moving further up Amber's thigh, then pressing up inside. Amber gasped at that, biting down on her lower lip so hard that she was afraid she might draw blood. Blondie's mouth came up to kiss Amber; she tasted like gin and cigarettes. "Just . . . " Blondie murmured, fingers stroking lightly against Amber. "Just follow my lead."

They undressed slowly, Blondie paused every now and then to kiss Amber or trail her fingers across Amber's skin, sliding them lightly over a curve, a muscle. Blondie had such a soft look on her face in these moments; it made Amber feel like swooning.

"You're gorgeous," Blondie sighed at one point, causing Amber to blush and feel suddenly self-conscious, crossing her arms over her chest. But Blondie just smiled and kissed Amber until she was relaxed again, Amber's arms going around Blondie's waist, tracing circles along the smooth skin of her back.

Blondie made her come with the deftest of touches, her hand moving down between Amber's legs, fingers stroking purposefully until Amber saw stars exploding behind her eyelids. Amber had touched herself once or twice before, more to relieve the ache than anything else, but her own movements had been clumsy and awkward. This was so much better with Blondie -- _everything_ was better with Blondie, truth be told. It felt like there were tiny fireworks going off in Amber's stomach, as she brought her mouth to Blondie's, kissing her breathlessly.

And then it was her turn, pushing at Blondie's shoulders until she was on her back, Amber climbing on top of her, straddling Blondie's waist. Blondie grinned up at her, her hands settling on Amber's hips. Amber kissed her once, twice, before moving into a more accessible position.

"Let me know -- well, let me know if I'm doing it right," she murmured to Blondie, as she tried to think of the things Blondie had done to her only a short time earlier. Pressing a kiss to Blondie's shoulder, then one to the curve of her breast, Amber dropped her hand between Blondie's legs, stroking experimentally with her fingers.

"Oh!" Blondie cried out, arching up against Amber's hand, and if that wasn't an indication that she was doing at least _something_ right, Amber didn't know what was. "Oh, yes, Amber," she whimpered, gripping Amber's wrist with one hand and a fistful of sheets in the other. "Just like that. Please."

Amber hadn't counted on how much _fun_ it could be, being able to make someone feel so good, to have them crying out her name. She bent forward and kissed Blondie as her fingers worked -- the kiss was all sloppy, no finesse at all, and it gave Amber a little thrill to have Blondie moan into it, wrapping a leg around Amber's, pulling her in even closer.

"That was -- wow." Amber finally sighed, rolling off of Blondie and onto her back, panting. It felt like she had run a marathon, Amber thought, her limbs sore and her heart beating away double-time in her chest. A glance over at Blondie confirmed that she was in the same amusing state of exhaustion and exuberance that Amber was, sweaty and flushed.

"I think that about sums it up, yeah," Blondie laughed weakly. "Jesus."

Amber closed her eyes, feeling a wave of sleepiness wash over her. She turned on her side, cuddling up against Blondie, who wrapped an arm loosely around Amber's waist. A question floated to the forefront of Amber's mind then, one which she wasn't entirely sure she should ask, but felt like she had to. "Was it like this? The other times that you, you know, slept with people."

Blondie shook her head. "No. This was _much_ better."

"Liar," Amber snorted. "You're just saying that to make me feel better."

"I wouldn't lie," Blondie said, and she looked so serious that it was all Amber could do was kiss her until Blondie was grinning again, pushing Amber onto her back and with a light, teasing kiss, sliding down between Amber's legs.

Amber didn't remember when she finally fell asleep, Blondie pressed up against her, but the next morning she was awakened by thin beams of sunlight slipping through her curtains and falling in her eyes. She groped about aimlessly on the bed for a few moments before realizing it was empty.

"Blondie?" she groaned, finally opening her eyes at the sound of the thin whistling the tea kettle made.

Slipping into her chemise, she padded downstairs, only to find Blondie standing in the kitchen rummaging around the the cabinets. She was wearing an over-sized button-down shirt, un-tucked, and dungarees rolled up mid-calf, her hair pulled back. Amber leaned against the doorway, smiling as she watched Blondie move about the kitchen, singing softly to herself.

"Good morning," Amber said finally, pushing herself off the doorframe and stepping into the room, resting her hands on the countertop of the kitchen island.

"Oh," Blondie started, setting down a frying pan on the stove as she turned to face Amber. "I didn't think you'd be up so early. I was planning on making us breakfast. Though I'm not actually sure where your family keeps everything, so maybe it's best that you're here to help."

Amber smiled and closed her eyes as Blondie shortened the gap between them, kissing her. Amber couldn't help but wish that all her mornings started off this way, being able to kiss Blondie, still half-asleep, the bright morning sunlight streaming cheerfully through the windows.

Despite her nonchalant attitude she'd put on for Blondie yesterday afternoon, she'd actually been a little bit terrified about having Blondie come over. A thousand and one possibilities that crossed her mind, of her parents coming home and finding them together, of a neighbor seeing Blondie and telling Amber's mother or even a girl from school seeing them and figured things out. But now, with Blondie standing in her kitchen, dressed like a boy and thumbing through Amber's mother's cookbook, Amber couldn't remember why she'd bothered with worrying in the first place.

It felt as though everything was perfect; Amber could not recall a time in her life when she'd felt such a sense of boundless possibility. She'd always loved Blondie, but it was in this moment where she really _knew_ that she loved Blondie, because out of all the places Amber could have ever wished to be, and with anyone in the world, she didn't want to be anywhere else but here or with anyone else but Blondie.

"I love you," she said. Simply.

Blondie looked up. "I love you too," she said, and it was so casual, so easy.

It didn't feel wrong at all.


	5. Fic: forgive me darling, for every word i say (my heart is just too full of you) [part 5/5]

**  
ROCKET **

Rocket should have known it was a bad idea, to tempt fate like this.

Still, she couldn't resist the allure of being able to sneak off with Babydoll for a period or two to spend some time together. And once she'd thought about it, she was certain that they wouldn't get caught. The place in question was a little tuck in the building, right between two of the outside walls, on the backside of Lennox Academy; she and Blondie had snuck off here a few times when they had skipped classes. Blondie liked this spot best, she'd told Rocket, because she could smoke without having to worry about the smell. And it was easier to hear if someone was coming.

"Are you sure it's okay here?" Babydoll asked, glancing around as Rocket led her down to the spot.

"It's fine," Rocket reassured her, as they slipped between the two walls, into the shade. "Blondie and I have come here a thousand times before and no one's ever caught us. Trust me, it's fine."

"Well, alright," Babydoll conceeded, but she didn't look entirely convinced.

Rocket smiled at her, taking Babydoll's hands in her own. "Don't worry," she whispered, leaning in to bump their noses together. "Even if someone were to come along, we'd hear them before they got here. And anyway, if that happens, we'll just say that we were skipping class. It's not like anyone would think anything more than that."

That seemed to sway Babydoll and a moment later she was stepping forward and pressing their lips together.

Rocket wasn't sure for how long they kissed -- and oh, how nice it was, being able to be together for more than just a few quick, stolen moments at a time, it made her heart soar -- before they heard the sound of someone approaching. They jumpd apart at the sound of footsteps, Rocket wiping at her mouth and fixing her hair, while Babydoll smoothed down the front of her dress.

Rocket couldn't her breath as she waited to see it was; she found herself hoping that it might be Blondie or Sweet Pea or even Amber, just not the person who actually _did_ appear: Blue. She felt her heart skip a beat, as she steeled herself for whatever was coming next.

"Oh, what's this now?" he sneered, hands in his pockets, leering at them. He looked back and forth between Babydoll and Rocket, his lips twisting up into a mean smirk. "What are you two doing out here all by yourselves."

"Go _away_ Blue," Rocket snapped, flushing. She moved to brush past him, her hand in Babydoll's, pulling her along, but Blue stepped in front of Rocket, blocking her way. "I said leave us alone. Don't you have someone else you can go bother instead of us? I'll tell Gorski you've been harassing us," she threatened, staring him down. "She'd jump at the chance to have you arrested."

Blue barked out a laugh. "Please, spare me. I'm not worried about her -- though _you_ should be."

"Why?" Rocket took a step back, crossing her arms. Babydoll hovered behind her, silent.

"Because I know what you _are_ ," Blue said, stabbing an accusing finger at Rocket and then Babydoll. "I've seen what you've been doing. And I don't think that a school such as Lennox Academy would be pleased to have that kind of reputation you'd give it if someone were to tell people what you've been doing."

"We weren't _doing_ anything -- "

"Don't act fucking stupid," Blue snapped angrily. "What do you think Gorski will say when I tell her about your little extracurricular activities?"

Rocket bit her lip, shaking her head. "Who cares?" she said, digging her nails into her arm and trying to keep her voice as cool and level as possible. "Go ahead and tell people. They won't believe you anyway; it'll be your word against ours, and really, Blue, who do you think is more reliable of a source? I'll tell them how you're always harassing the girls here, threatening us -- no one will believe a word you say."

Blue scowled, backing down a little. And then, "Do you really think you're the only girl that this little baby doll has taken a liking to?"

"What do you mean by that?"

"I mean," Blue said, the smirk slowly reappearing on his face, "that you're not as special as you might think you are. Your sister's been quite busy, you know, sneaking around behind your back."

It felt like the ground had dropped out from beneath Rocket's feet. "You're lying," she said, in a strained voice.

Blue raised his eyebrows. "Really? What do you think, _Baby_?"

"I -- " Babydoll started weakly, from behind Rocket.

But Rocket didn't stay to listen, bolting off like a shot. She didn't want to hear what Babydoll was going to say; whatever it was, it wasn't going to be a denial. Rocket knew it intrinsically. Already she could feel the burn of tears in her eyes and she really didn't want to stop, when she heard Babydoll behind her, calling out her name, but there was really no place to go, nowhere to run to.

And, too, as she slowed to a stop, she had a wild thought, that maybe, just maybe, she'd misinterpreted things. Maybe Blue had just been messing with her, trying to fuck with her head. She felt the tiniest spark of hope at that and steeled herself, as she heard Babydoll catch up with her.

"Babydoll," Rocket said slowly, turning to face her. "It's not like that, is it? You haven't -- with Sweet Pea -- I mean, that's just impossible. Isn't it? It has to be a lie -- Blue's just saying it to try and get a rise out of me. It's not true."

"Rocket," Babydoll said, very, very quietly. She reached out to touch Rocket's arm. "Rocket, I didn't mean to -- "

Rocket shrugged her off. " _Don't_."

"Please," Babydoll said. "It's not like that. Just let me explain."

"I don't know how you can explain something like this."

"What Blue said, about me sneaking around with Sweet Pea, it wasn't like that. It was just that one time. You don't understand -- the night of the Winter Formal, you and Sweet Pea _both_ kissed me. And I was so confused, I -- I wanted you both. But when you came outside and kissed me in the snow, I thought maybe that was it, you know? Things were settled."

"But obviously they weren't," Rocket muttered, not even trying to hide the bitterness in her voice.

"I wanted them to be," Babydoll said, starting to cry. "I really did. I'm so sorry, Rocket. I wasn't trying to hurt you."

"Yeah, well, _that_ didn't quite work out, did it?" Rocket snapped angrily, crossing her arms. And then, softer, because despite everything she felt guilty being angry with Babydoll, she said, "We can't do this."

Babydoll looked up, her cheeks streaked with tears. "What?"

"I mean, I can't be with you like this, Baby." Rocket sat down the bench in school's front green with a sigh, putting her head in her hands. "I don't know; I wish I could say that it didn't matter, that I didn't want you to have to chose between us. But it doesn't work like that. I want to be able to know that I'm the only person you're thinking of when we kiss."

"Rocket," Babydoll began helplessly.

Rocket said nothing at first, studying a small rip along the hem of her skirt like it was the most interesting thing in the world. She didn't want to meet Babydoll's eyes, afraid of losing her nerve and thinking maybe it wouldn't be so bad to just pretend like none of this had ever happened."Look," she said finally. "I'm not trying to be cruel. I'm sorry. But you have to understand -- "

Babydoll cut her off, shaking her head. "I get it. I do."

"Good." Rocket stood up, clutching her school bag so tightly her knuckles turned white. She didn't want to cry, not here. She couldn't do that. "So I guess I'll see you later then," she said, trying hard to keep her voice from wavering while she said it, with little success.

"Wait, you're just leaving?" Babydoll looked confused.

"What's the point in me staying?" Rocket sighed, suddenly feeling very tired. Off Babydoll's silence, she continued, "I think maybe I'll just skip the rest of my classes today. I'm not really up for them right now anyway." She turned to leave, then thought the better of it and took a step back towards Babydoll. She reached for Babydoll's hand, intertwining their fingers for a moment. "Just let me know when you've made your decision."

Babydoll nodded.

Rocket smiled sadly, letting go of Babydoll's hand to brush her bangs out of her eyes, tucking them behind Babydoll's ear. Her hand slipped around to cup Babydoll's cheek, lingering there for another moment longer. "I'll be around at school, of course, if you need me. But I think maybe it would be best if we didn't spend any time together before you've made up your mind, okay? It would be too -- I wouldn't be able to stand it. Being around you and not being able to . . . well."

"Rocket," Babydoll said again, catching Rocket's hand and kissing her knuckles lightly. "I'm sorry."

"It's okay," Rocket said softly, even as a new wave of sadness washed over her.

But it wasn't okay; Rocket was barely a yard away, walking down the front steps of Lennox Academy before she started crying. She didn't want to go home in such a poor state, so she'd headed down to Paradise Park, a few blocks away from her house. She'd gone there a few times with Blondie, before Babydoll had come along; they'd skipped out on classes and smoked cigarettes.

She didn't know how she'd be able to go home and face her sister. Everything she'd ever thought about Sweet Pea had changed in an instant, the moment she realized that Sweet Pea had feelings for Babydoll -- and had _acted_ on those feelings, no less. She tried to imagine Sweet Pea, her sister, so cold and reserved, taking the initiative and kissing Babydoll; it seemed like such a strange thing and that fact alone just made Rocket feel worse.

Had Sweet Pea known all along about Rocket's feelings for Babydoll? She must have figured it out, Rocket supposed; after all, Sweet Pea wasn't stupid, and there'd been that incident with Elizabeth Parker a few years earlier. But had she known that Rocket had kissed Babydoll, not just once, but twice? Did she know that Rocket and Babydoll had been sweethearts? The thought of Sweet Pea knowing and competing against her for Babydoll's affections made Rocket physically ill. Maybe she hadn't known, Rocket told herself. Maybe she'd just assumed Babydoll didn't feel anything for either of them.

(Or maybe, like Rocket, she'd just been so desperate to have someone else understand the way she felt.)

Rocket was miserable all week. She missed Babydoll like a phantom limb; there was an ache inside her that just grew and grew with each day that passed. She hated this distance between them, the fact that she was unable even to meet Babydoll's eyes in class. It hurt more than anything she'd ever felt before.

"You okay?" Blondie asked one day, while Rocket picked dejectedly at her salad. "You seem . . . upset. You've been in a weird mood all week; did something happen?"

"Well, we all can't be a ray of sunshine like _you've_ been lately," Rocket shot back meanly, stabbing at a piece of lettuce with her fork. "Is _that_ something you want to talk about?"

Blondie blushed a bright pink color at that and Rocket was taken aback, because nothing ever seemed to bother Blondie; she felt a little pang of guilt and thought maybe it was unfair, taking out her anger on everyone just because of how things had fallen apart with Babydoll. She mumbled an apology and stared back down at her lunch.

The strange thing was, Rocket couldn't feel any sort of anger for Sweet Pea. She wanted so badly to hate Sweet Pea, to pin this whole mess on her. But she just couldn't; Sweet Pea always been there for her, ever since they were kids, never asking for anything in return. She'd always set aside her own happiness for the sake of Rocket, not because she had to, but because she _wanted_ to. Because they were sisters, and that was what sisters did for each other.

It was then that Rocket realized that Babydoll would not pick her.

And suddenly, that didn't matter.

"Hey," Babydoll said in a subdued tone, as she stopped by Rocket's locker on Friday afternoon. "Can we talk?"

They met on the front steps of the school. Babydoll was already there when Rocket arrived, sitting on the top step, hugging her knees. Rocket felt a sting of pain at the sight of her, looking very sad and tired; she didn't meet Rocket's eyes as Rocket sat down beside her.

"It's not me you want, is it?" Rocket asked quietly, after a few moments of silence.

Babydoll looked away, stayed silent.

Rocket sighed. "Look, there's something -- I've been thinking a lot about it, actually. This whole thing between the three of us. And, I mean, I know that I _want_ you to say that you've chosen me. But I don't think you will."

"I care about you, Rocket," Babydoll said, reaching for Rocket's hand and intertwining their fingers. Rocket almost wanted to pull her hand away, didn't want to share this moment of intimacy with Babydoll right now; it made her weak. She needed to be strong. Babydoll's thumb stroked lightly against the back of Rocket's hand as she continued. "And I do still love you. I _do_."

"But you love Sweet Pea more," Rocket told her softly. "It's okay -- I mean, I've realized, I'm okay with that. Well, not _okay_ ," she corrected, frowning. "I guess that's probably too flippant a word. It's more . . . I think I could understand that. You wanting Sweet Pea and not me. I don't like it, but I think I could understand it."

Babydoll gave Rocket's hand a tentative squeeze, her thumb stilling. "I don't want to hurt you Rocket," she murmured, meeting Rocket's eyes, her eyes wide and sad. Rocket wondered how many times she had looked into Babydoll's eyes, thought about how they reminded her of a forest, all hues of green and brown. There were little flecks of gold in them too, like sunlight slipping through the gaps in the foliage.

"I know," she said, leaned forward and pressed a kiss to Babydoll's forehead, through her bangs. "And I know I should probably be angrier about it, but the thing is, there isn't really anything to be angry about; if you love Sweet Pea more, then she is the person you should be with. And there it is, as simple as that."

The edges of her world grew a little bit blurry. Rocket felt the sting of tears in her eyes and blinked rapidly to try and force them back down. Not like it mattered; she watched as a tear rolled down Babydoll's cheek, slow and delicate. Rocket was suddenly struck with the urge to kiss it away and she found herself gripping Babydoll's hand that much harder, willing herself not to do it.

But then Babydoll moved for her, leaning in and kissing Rocket lightly; Rocket's lips came away tasting salty.

"I'm sorry, Rocket," Babydoll said, her eyes watery with tears. "I really am. But you asked me to choose and -- and I can't lie to you. I _wouldn't_."

"I understand." Rocket smiled sadly. "But first, you have to promise me two things," she said after a minute, cupping Babydoll's face in her hands and kissing her twice more, for the last time, once on the bridge of Babydoll's nose and once on the lips. "The first thing is, don't be mad about this, me making you choose. And the second thing is," she pulled away, swiping at her eyes, "don't you _dare_ break her heart."

Babydoll's mouth turned up into a slight smile, nodding. "I promise."

"Well, good," Rocket said, sniffing. "But you know, you should probably hurry up and go tell her," nodding in the direction of the intramural fields as they stood up. "I think she's waited long enough."

 

 

\- - -

 

** BABYDOLL **

Sweet Pea was sitting underneath the shade of the bleachers by the field hockey field, a book in her lap and a pen in her hand. Babydoll paused for a moment, to take in the sight of her, her heart turning over slowly in her chest. She felt a tiny spark of anxiety too, as she continued on towards Sweet Pea; everything would change from here on out, she knew.

There was no going back now.

"Hey," she smiled, stopping in front of Sweet Pea and putting her hands behind her back. "I was just looking for you."

"Oh," Sweet Pea looked up for a quick moment from her textbook, before glancing away. "Yeah, sorry, I kind of like to keep to myself when I'm studying. And I like to be alone -- I mean to say, I like finding nice, quiet places where I don't have to worry about getting distracted."

Babydoll nodded and sat down next to her without waiting for an invitation, smoothing out the front of her skirt with her hands. "Sweet Pea," she started, after a few minutes. "I really don't know how to say this, um, properly, but -- but I talked to Rocket this afternoon. A little while ago, actually, and the thing is, we're not . . . together. Not any more, I mean. We've ended it."

"What?" Sweet Pea started, shutting her book. "But . . . but why? I don't understand. You care about her and she cares about you. And as far -- as far as I've noticed, things have been fine between you two. I don't understand why suddenly now you'd just call things off."

"It's not like that. I mean, it's not because of -- I just -- Sweet Pea," Babydoll faltered, stumbling over her words. She shifted over a few inches, placing her hand lightly on Sweet Pea's wrist. "The thing is -- you're the one I want to be with."

"But," Sweet Pea said, her eyes searching Babydoll's face, "but what about Rocket?"

"I care about Rocket," Babydoll told her, hoping her words sounded as sincere as she meant them to be. "I do. But you're the one that I _love_ , Sweet Pea." She paused, withdrawing her hand from Sweet Pea's wrist and putting it in her lap, staring down at her palm. "Can you . . . can you understand that?"

"But Rocket," Sweet Pea murmured, more to herself than Babydoll. "She'll be devastated. I can't hurt her like that."

Babydoll said, "Oh, no, no, it's not like that. Rocket knows I had feelings for you both. She was the one who told me that I had to choose between the two of you. I think she knew which one of you I was going to choose before she even asked me to do it. I didn't want to hurt her feelings, but well, that was what she wanted; that's why I did it. Because she asked me to."

For a moment, Sweet Pea looked like she was going to cry. "Oh, Babe -- " she started, in a quiet voice.

And then Sweet Pea was kissing her, all softness and sweetness and tasting like bubblegum and Cokes and Babydoll couldn't understand why it had been so hard to realize that Sweet Pea had been the one she wanted all along. Babydoll wasn't sure how long they kissed for, switching back and forth between quick, slight kisses and slower, deeper ones. Sweet Pea didn't seem to be at all concerned that someone might see them; not once did she pull away to glance around and make sure they were alone. Her recklessness in the moment delighted Babydoll, for reasons she wasn't entirely sure of.

"There's just one thing," Babydoll said, after a little while, straightening up and shifting until she was sitting face-to-face with Sweet Pea. "Even after all this time, I still don't know what your real name is."

Sweet Pea laughed. "Is that all?" she asked. "Hi," she said, in a mock serious tone, setting her book aside and sticking out her hand towards Babydoll. "I'm Charlotte."

"Marie," Babydoll said, grinning while she shook Sweet Pea's hand. "Nice to meet you, Charlotte."

"Nice to meet you too," Sweet Pea said, and pulled her in for a kiss.

 

 

\- - -

 

** ROCKET **

They met up in the bathroom during study hall, at Blondie's suggestion.

Rocket was more than happy to skip, though, even though she knew Sweet Pea would give her a lecture if she found out. She'd always thought that Blondie was a bad influence, and although Rocket didn't want to give her any leverage on the subject, she was also sick and tired of reviewing for finals, so she welcomed the distraction with open arms.

"Look, there's something I have to tell you," Blondie said, open Rocket was there. She sounded uncharacteristically nervous. "It's something I've been _meaning_ to tell you, actually. And there isn't a nice way to put it, so I'll just _say_ it: Amber and I are together."

"Wait . . . wait, _what_? " Rocket asked dumbly, an idea slowly forming in her mind. "Together? What?"

"I know you can't really be that dense," Blondie rolled her eyes. "Yes, _together_. Together like you were with Babydoll and how Sweet Pea is with Babydoll now."

And then the whole story kept tumbling out; Rocket could only stare, dumbfounded, as Blondie told her about how she and Amber had been seeing each other since last spring, about how Sweet Pea had figured it out and confronted Amber about it, how the three of them had ended up keeping each other's secrets. How Amber had been able to piece together the awkward situation between Sweet Pea, Babydoll, and Rocket -- and how Sweet Pea had confirmed it. It was as if the world was opening itself anew to Rocket and she was finally able to see everything that had been going on right in front of her all this time.

"And well, I decided it was time to just _tell_ you," Blondie finished, shrugging. "Because I knew you'd understand. And I'm not sure exactly what I _am_ , not really, I don't know if there's a word, but that is just something I do _not_ have the energy to go into right now. So there you go."

"Oh." Rocket said, still a bit in shock. "Well, that's -- I did not anticipate that."

That earned her a laugh from Blondie. "You know, it felt surprisingly good to tell someone about all that." She dug around in her bag, pulled out her pack of cigarettes, pushing open the small bathroom window and perching on the sill. "So now that you know everything," she lit up, inhaling sharply, "what do you think?"

"I'm not sure," Rocket said, after a minute, leaning against the wall beside Blondie. "It's strange, isn't it? That we're all so inclined. I wonder if . . . you know, do you think maybe that's why we're all friends? Or if not _friends_ , I mean, connected in such a way? Maybe we saw it in each other without realizing it and subconsciously we were drawn to each other."

Blondie chuckled, tapping the end of her cigarette with a slender finger. "That sounds like something Gorski would say."

Rocket laughed, brushing her bangs out of her eyes. "Yeah, she would say that sort of thing, wouldn't she?" And then, after a minute, she asked, "So, you and Amber, huh? I can honestly say that I would have never worked that out on my own. I'm still a bit in shock."

Blondie snorted, grinning around the cigarette in her mouth. "Is it any more shocking than finding out your sister has more in common with you than you'd ever realized?"

Rocket had to admit that it was not.

 

 

\- - -

 

** AMBER **

"So, are we all friends now?" Amber asked, when Blondie told her that Rocket had invited them all to come out to the malt shop a few blocks down from Lennox Academy once classes were done on Friday.

"I suppose," Blondie shrugged, looping her arms loosely around Amber's waist from behind and putting her chin on Amber's shoulder. "Though it's going to be kind of weird, the five of us hanging out together."

Amber made a small sound of agreement. "But it will be nice, too. Not having to hide everything from everyone; at least we have some people to talk to about it -- _us_ \-- now. People who will understand. And if we're friends publicly from now on, that just gives me an excuse to spend more time with you."

"Aw," Blondie murmured against Amber's neck, kissing it. "So sentimental."

"That is what they say," Amber said, turning in Blondie's arms.

 

 

\- - -

 

** SWEET PEA **

There was something inherently wonderful in finally having something that was all hers.

"What's wrong?" Babydoll asked, bending down to press a kiss to Sweet Pea's forehead. They were lying in the grass in a secluded section of the park, thanks to Amber, who had happily pointed out the spot one afternoon and told Sweet Pea that it was one of her and Blondie's favorite places.

Sweet Pea opened her eyes, staring up at Babydoll. She reached up, cupping Babydoll's face in her hand. "Nothing," she said, smiling. "Just thinking."

"Oh? About what."

"You," Sweet Pea told her, leaning up as Babydoll bent over again, their mouths meeting for a kiss.

 

 

\- - -

 

** BABYDOLL **

There were times, admittedly, when Babydoll wondered what things would be like if she'd chosen Rocket over Sweet Pea. It wasn't as though she regretted her decision, it was more of just a daydream of hers. She could still feel the faint fluttering in her heart, like tiny butterflies, every time Rocket caught her eye and smiled at her. And she missed the feeling of Rocket's hand in hers, palm warm and soft.

A part of her, she knew, would always have a sort of love for Rocket. There was no other way around it; Rocket had been the first girl she'd become friends with at Lennox, when she'd arrived in October -- and had it really only been eight months ago? It felt like it had been a lifetime. Rocket was the girl who held her hand in the hallway and told her all about the girls and laughed with Blondie at lunch about their teachers.

Rocket was the girl who kissed her in a dark hallway, during a dance, and then later, outside, standing in a world blanketed in fresh snow, shivering as she did so because she'd forgotten her coat. Rocket, looking like a dream come true, more lovely than Babydoll could ever imagine her. She'd told Babydoll that things could be easy.

"We'll always be friends, you know," Babydoll had told Rocket, a few days after she'd reunited with Sweet Pea. "You're special to me, Rocket. And that will never change."

Rocket hadn't cried, to her credit, even though Babydoll had felt the prick of tears in her own eyes. Instead she'd stepped forward and wrapped Babydoll up in a tight embrace. Babydoll had hugged her back just as tightly, hoping that yes, things could be easy.

If they let them.

 

 

\- - -

 

** BLONDIE **

On Friday, Blondie lingered behind after getting her books; she'd left a note in Amber's locker telling her that they would just meet at the malt shop and to go ahead with Rocket and the others. Something had been nagging at Blondie since January, and she figured that she should finally get around to doing something about it. And so she found herself at the end of the hall near the administration wing of the school.

She caught a glimpse of the High Roller -- the girl's nickname for the headmaster of Lennox Academy, dubbed so because he wore the most expensive suits and was always seen with the newest, swankiest car of the year. Blondie nodded dutifully at him as she passed by his office. It had been a while since she'd been sent to see him, something which she attributed mostly to Amber (though she certainly didn't want to think that she'd gone _that_ soft).

Finally, she arrived at her destination: Dr. Gorski's office.

"Dr. Gorski?" Blondie said, noticing that the waiting room was empty and Gorksi's door was open. She stepped forward, knocking lightly on the door frame, and then hovered in the doorway, waiting. "It's me. I just thought I would come by and say hello."

Dr. Gorski looked surprised at that. She put down her pen, pulling her glasses back down from where they'd been sitting atop her head. "Oh, hello Blondie. How are you?"

"Really good, actually," Blondie admitted, shoving her hands into her blazer pockets. "Like I said, I came by to say hi, but also, there's something -- I wanted to thank you. For the night of the Winter Formal, I mean. I was a complete mess and I haven't always been, well, the _best_ student here at Lennox, but you listened to me. You cared about making me feel better."

"Well," Dr. Gorski said, smiling. "I'm glad for that."

Blondie nodded. "That's all. I just wanted to say thanks."

"You're very welcome, Blondie, " Dr. Gorksi's smile widened. "I am glad I could help. If need anything else, ever -- "

"Thanks Dr. Gorski," Blondie said again, smiling back. "I'll see you later."

She felt a strange sense of lightness as she walked through the hall, anxious to meet Amber at the malt shop with everyone else . Everything was beginning to fall into place, somehow; she grinned at the thought. A year ago, she'd never imagined herself being friends with Sweet Pea or being able to hang out with Amber in public. She'd never, ever, not in a million years imagined being able to tell anyone her feelings for Amber. And now look where they were.

So much had changed since Babydoll had arrived in the fall; Blondie couldn't even believe it. She slung her school bag over her shoulder as she pushed open the front doors, squinting in the bright spring sun. She felt good -- _really_ good. There was such a sense of possibility, she felt.

It was going to be a good summer. She could just tell.

(She socked Blue in the nose when she spotted him a moment later, skulking around the school's parking lot. Just for good measure.)

 

 

\- - -

 

** ROCKET **

It wasn't like it didn't hurt, seeing Babydoll and Sweet Pea together. They were always reserved when they were around other people, even outside of school where there was no one to judge them. They didn't hold hands, they didn't sit next to each other, there were no lingering touches. But there _were_ soft smiles, quickly exchanged as they passed in the hall, and moments when held their gazes on each other for a bit too long. It wasn't a lot, but it was _enough_ , and every time Rocket saw this she felt a stab of pain in her heart.

She _was_ happy for Sweet Pea, really. But it still hurt. Mostly these days she just tried to ignore it, reminded herself of all of the times Sweet Pea had sacrificed her own happiness for Rocket's, without expecting anything in return. A few months later and Sweet Pea would be off to Massachusetts for college; Rocket thought it was only fair that her sister should be allowed a few moments of happiness for once, finally able to get what she'd wanted.

"I don't know what to say," Sweet Pea had said, the evening after everything had happened. She'd come into Rocket's room, cuddling up against her in bed just like they used to when they were children. "I don't know how to -- you didn't need to do that for me."

"Well, what do you expect," Rocket had whispered, kissing Sweet Pea's cheek. "You're my sister, aren't you?"

It _did_ hurt. But Rocket could feel herself beginning to get over it, slowly but surely. As the days, and then weeks, had passed, Rocket felt the sadness get lighter, found herself not tearing up every time she thought about all of the moments she had shared with Babydoll -- every kiss, every touch. Every soft, sweet word. They were still friends after all, just like Babydoll had said they would be; there was no changing that. Rocket decided that she would chose to think of those past moments with fondness rather than regret, and it seemed to have helped.

"Blondie might be a few minutes late," Amber said, as she slid down into her seat across from Rocket. "She said she had to do something first."

"It's no problem," Rocket said, reclining in her chair. "Sweet Pea and Babydoll aren't here yet anyway."

Rocket and Sweet Pea had come to this malt shop hundreds of times when they were younger and Rocket had gone here with Babydoll often on weekends during their romance. Now though, it would be the five of them all together; Rocket was still a little amazed at how everything had turned out. All of this time, they'd been just like her, and none of them had realized it. There was a sweet kind of poetry to it and Rocket grinned as Sweet Pea and Babydoll came into the shop as well, followed close behind by Blondie.

"I haven't been here in ages," Sweet Pea sighed, after they'd all gotten their malts. She propped her chin up on the back of her hand, smiling. "Remember when you always used to make me buy you treats? Even though you got the same allowance I did; you were always spending it so quickly."

"Well, maybe I was just saying that because I knew you'd always buy me something," Rocket laughed, giving Sweet Pea a slight, playful kick under the table.

Amber said, "Look at us all together; we're such a motley crew."

"Oh, the best kind then," Blondie said.

"And to think," Rocket added, nodding in Babydoll's direction. "We're all here together now, in a way, because of Babydoll. Who knows how differently things may have turned out, if not for her?"

"Well, I guess maybe we should toast to her then," Blondie said, enthusiastically raising her glass in the air, seemingly encouraged by the blush that spread across Babydoll's face. "What do you think, Amber?" she asked, winking at Amber, who dutifully brought her own glass up.

"Why not?"

Sweet Pea laughed, nudging Babydoll slightly with her shoulder, grinning. "Let's do a cheers then, come on," she added, holding out her glass as well.

"Cheers," Babydoll said, as they all clinked their glasses together. "Though really, I should thank you guys. You were the ones who made this year, well -- when I first got here, I was hoping just to make it through without any trouble. I didn't even think I'd make any friends. But then I met you all, and -- "

"Don't get all sappy, please," Blondie teased, cutting Babydoll off with an exaggerated eyeroll. "I was just beginning to like you."

She and Amber laughed at that and even Babydoll and Sweet Pea couldn't hide the smiles on their faces.

Rocket laughed as well, looking over Sweet Pea's shoulder as the little bell above the door jingled and a girl walked into the shop. She was wearing a school uniform that Rocket was vaguely familiar with -- a pleated, ash-colored skirt and a maroon blazer with a matching tie; it was in stark contrast with her crisp, snow white shirt. The top few buttons on her shirt were undone and her tie loosened. Her hair was a light golden brown color and it fell in loose ringlets around her face and down her shoulders.

Their eyes met for the briefest of moments, as the girl stepped inside the shop.

Oh, Rocket thought.

She idly stirred her drink with her spoon, watching as the girl made her way to the counter. The uniform looked like it was from Winchester Prep, in the next town over, though Rocket hadn't gotten a good look at the crest on the girl's blazer, so she couldn't be certain. Rocket remembered playing a soccer game against a team whose colors were maroon and gray; she assumed it was the same school. Rocket wondered what the girl was doing in Brattleboro, if maybe she was visiting someone. As she watched the girl standing at the counter, waiting, twirling the end of her tie absentmindedly, Rocket was suddenly struck with an image of reaching for the girl, pulling her in by her tie, and kissing her; she felt a blush rise to her cheeks at the mental image.

And then the girl looked over at her and smiled.

Rocket smiled back.


End file.
